Taste of Fear
by Sam2602
Summary: Warnings: Yaoi, maleXmale relationship, violence, language, smut, m-preg. Don't like, don't read!
1. Too Real Dream

**Too Real Dream (Izuru)**

I knew perfectly well, where I was but there was definitely something wrong here though I wasn't able to place what it was. I was still lying on my back under the all too familiar willow tree, I could feel the soft and cool grass tickling my fingers, I heard the whisper of the nearby stream, the gentle breeze was playing with my hair. I was staring at the sky above me, the uninterrupted perfect blue stretching as far as I could see. I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with the clear and fresh air, tasting the sweetness of it as it carried the smell of the wild flowers towards me. I closed my eyes, trying to breathe evenly as my memory filled with the images that I should have long forgotten. Images of the days when I used to come here, not alone, but with HIM.

I shook my head as I tried to clear my mind again. It didn't do me any good to keep holding onto those memories. I wasn't even supposed to be here. But nobody came here, I was sure of that, because in all the years I have been coming here, either alone or ... or not, I have never seen anybody anywhere nearby. It was as if this place was existing only in its own dimension, hidden from all prying eyes and wandering feet. How was THAT possible? I had no idea but I remembered the words he said when I've first stepped into this clearing and he registered me...

"Kira-san..." He didn't grin in that awfully creepy way as usual. "It seems like you caught me slacking off." Now he grinned.

"Taichou, I... I didn't k-know, I didn't w-want to disturb..."

He laughed at me then and allowed me to stay. That was the first time I have seen my taichou letting down his guard, even if for only a second. It seemed like there was something on his mind. After that, he sometimes invited me to join him. He said that this was his personal magical place. I could see why now. It WAS magical. It looked like an ordinary clearing at first sight, but once you actually was there and closed your eyes, it took you into a whole new and different place where nothing was hasty and stressful, no work, no mountains of papers.

At first, I tried to be angry at him for slacking off, I KNEW he was slacking off all the time, leaving the stacks of the papers for me to fill and go through. Nevertheless, he always managed to come up with a believable enough lie, something that would delay him or keep him from coming to work entirely. Knowing that he was coming here instead, to sit under the willow and listen to the stillness, wasn't really the thing I wanted to know. I wanted to believe that he was busy, that he did care for his division, for the people that depended on him. But he didn't...

I gritted my teeth at the memory. I knew it wouldn't do any good remembering that. I am such an idiot, I always was, for trusting and following someone like HIM, Ichimaru Gin, the number two most wanted person in the Soul Society. Hmmm, second or third? I wasn't sure whether he made it before Tousen-taichou. Probably yes, I didn't want to know though. Another sigh escaped my lips. What was wrong with me today? I was usually able to pretty much keep all these memories at bay, putting leash on my thoughts, too, preventing them from wandering in that direction. I took another deep breath and another flood of memories came to me. My captain was sitting under this very tree in very unusual posture, his knees were drawn up and his chin was rested on them. It WAS unusual posture, for him at least, I was known to be sitting like this for hours, pondering over something. However, there was something bothering him this time and it was the only time when I saw him so ... well, distressed. There wasn't any other word for it. Although he changed his mood and expression the moment he realized I was near, I saw his face clearly enough to know it. But what was it? Was it when he decided to leave Soul Society? It was two weeks before the betrayal...

A single tear made its way through my shut eyes. Perfect. I did it again, I made myself remember and now I was going to cry over it like kid. I tried to calm myself, but I couldn't and the one tear was soon followed by another, and then another. I cried myself to sleep, welcoming the darkness. It wouldn't last long, the nightmares would start right away and I wasn't sure how much more of it I could take. No wonder everybody was eying me suspiciously, as if I was going to flip any second. Maybe I was, but what would I know? I was just glad I made it through each day, trying not to think of the past or the future, just focusing on what had to be done now, one step at the time.

...

The dream started like always. I knew it was a dream, because I had the same one almost every night. I was vaguely aware that it wasn't night and I wasn't home yet, but I didn't really care now. I could still smell the warm and sweet scent in the air and it made me sleepy even in my dream. Weird. I was sitting under the tree again, my eyes trying to see what was in my hand. It was a piece of paper, thick and yellowish, the kind you don't see anymore in the human world unless you dig real deep in some forgotten antique shop. There were words scribbled on the paper. A note. I recognized the handwriting at once. I knew the hand that wrote the note. "Come to the clearing. Urgent." Hmmm, I was wandering what was so urgent. Taichou never seemed like the kind of person that would take anything as "urgent". I was mildly surprised that he had such word in his vocabulary actually.

I frowned. It wasn't like him. Maybe he was playing a joke on me. THAT would be like him. I prepared myself mentally for one of his silly jokes or games, which he seemed to spin out of thin air. Still, why were we meeting here of all places? He usually played his little jokes on me in the office. I lift my head as I felt his reiatsu approaching. He stopped. I could feel he was close but I couldn't see him yet. I called his name, but my voice didn't come out. Oh, right, I was inside the dream. Subconsciously, I knew I was getting to the part where I would start shouting and screaming pretty soon, but I couldn't pull myself out of the dream. Damn it, it sucked. I stood up and called him soundlessly again. What was the point, I reasoned with myself, already knowing the outcome, waiting for it with resigned certainty.

Then I felt his reiatsu shift a little uneasily. Was that really possible? He reached out tentatively towards me, letting me know of his presence, still not moving. I was confused. He was asking for permission to join me? I frowned again and tried to sort it out. This wasn't how the dream usually went. He should have appeared in front of me, his usual grin plastered to his face. He would speak to me in a low melodic voice I knew only so well, trying to tell me something about a new life he discovered. Then he would smile wider and I would see somewhat strange teeth, like a vampire's from some cheap scary movie, and then he would open his haori and reveal his torso. Or what was left of it anyway. There would be a large hole, from his collarbones to his hips. Only thin rim on the sides. And he would start to come closer. That was the part where I started to scream and would wake up, sweating and looking frantically around in the dark room.

Yes, I knew that dream only too well. A nightmare, more likely. However, this one WAS different. For one, it was somehow dimmer then usually, even for a dream, it was all clouding up. I tried to see through the mist that was suddenly obstructing my vision. There was only one explanation; I was already waking up. Hmm, that was a strange dream, I thought. I could still feel it, almost as if it was real. The feeling of my former captain's reiatsu reaching out for mine almost gently. I shook my head and sit up, trying to focus again. Then I jumped to my feet as I realized it. It wasn't the dream or the aftereffects of the dream I just had. My eyes widened, making out the person that stood across the clearing, dressed in the same clothes as I remembered, only more ragged, I registered. Funny how I would see such a detail in that situation. Maybe it was my mind trying to keep me sane for that moment.

I looked up at him again. Yes, there was no mistake, I was wide awake and HE was standing there as if he never left, his eyes locked on me in a strange way. He really was reaching out for me, asking me to keep quiet. What? Did I really think that? He wasn't grinning, he wasn't even smiling. He had a distant look in his eyes, something I couldn't quite understand. Something looked off about the whole scene. And then it hit me, the realization what it was, and my eyes filled with horror...


	2. Painful Reflections

**Painful Reflections (Gin)**

The horror and pain in Izuru's eyes and face was visible even across the space. He was seriously freaking out. I thought about it for a moment. Why the hell did I come here anyway? I tried to remember. Oh, right, I wasn't really thinking where I was going at that time. I just opened the gate, somehow (I didn't even remember how), stepped through and I knew where I was at once, recognizing the place. I thought about opening the gate once more and trying to get to the living world, which was my first intention, at least I thought so. However, when I lifted my hand to the gate again, I felt it flutter and disappear. Great, just great. What now? A shinigami that will see me and raise the alarm? Suuuure, I could feel the reiatsu just now. This was perfect, couldn't be better. I tried to open the gate again, but my energy was almost gone, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to hold it long enough to get through it. IF I was ever going to open that damn thing! I was furious, I knew I was in no shape to put up a real fight, what with my zanpakutou missing, and somehow the idea of being caught didn't really appeal to me. I was only well aware of how my status changed here. I was no longer the captain, I was a traitor. A well-known traitor at that. I might as well put a "kill me" sign on my forehead AND my back, just in case.

I growled and tried to concentrate harder on the reiatsu that came from the clearing. It was strong. Not as strong as captain's, but vice-captain's most probably. I could feel it was familiar. Too familiar actually. I took a step forward, almost involuntarily as if something was drawing me to it. I couldn't stop my feet as they took another step. And then I inhaled sharply. I knew this one! Of course, I knew him! Oh, goodness, how could I NOT know? The warmness filled me and before I could stop myself, I was standing on the edge of the clearing. I could see him sleeping uneasily there. Kira Izuru, my former fukutaichou, MY Izuru... I didn't care if something happened to me now. If I only could explain everything to Izuru first, I'd be happy to take any punishment. Well, almost any, I was never a masochist. I tried to turn my back though. Run for it! My brain screamed at me. Leave him alone! I couldn't. My legs wouldn't move. I bit my lip and reached with my reiatsu to him, trying to make him aware of my presence. This was probably the only shot I had; I just had to use it well. All I needed was time enough to make him listen.

He stirred finally and sat up, rubbing his eyes. I would have chuckled if it weren't for the circumstances. Hmm, he was still out of focus. I wandered what dream he had that he couldn't wake himself up for so long. Finally, I could feel him respond to my reiatsu. It was kinda sluggish, as if he wasn't really aware of it yet. I took few more steps forward, making myself visible to him, making myself vulnerable, at his mercy at this moment. I hated it, my whole body shook. Nerves, but mostly the exhaustion. I looked at him warily and met his gaze. I was just about to say "hi" when his expression changed to one of a horror. I was startled at first, but then I realized. Crap. I was a mess. I was suddenly more aware of a fact that I was barely standing, though that won't last much longer if I could count on my instincts at all. Perfect, I was about to pass out right in front of him, in the enemy's world, at the mercy of those I betrayed.

"Izuru..."

I wasn't entirely sure he could hear my whisper, but when I heard myself, I was hoping he didn't. The voice came out harsh and dry as if I was shouting too loud for too long. Well... The blackness was enveloping me and I was thinking about only one thing. Would I be able to still talk to Izuru when I wake up, no doubt behind bars? Would _I wake up at all? I made one last attempt to say his name, but I didn't stay conscious enough to know if I was successful. I could hear the scream piercing my ears and cruel laugh. Yes, the unconsciousness wasn't enough to keep the dreams away. Or... Shall I call them memories? Because that's what they really were. Another scream echoed in my head and I could already see what was coming. And the pain in the voice was my pain, because I was the one screaming..._

_..._

"_Ah, Gin, come here, I've been waiting for you."_

_The sound of his voice sickened me. God, how I hated it when he called me by my given name! Wasn't it enough that I had to hear it when we were alone? Why did he have to use it even here where anybody could come and hear us? I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. I knew what was coming in my direction. It wasn't any better that I knew what to expect though. I dragged myself to the chair he was sitting in. A throne indeed. He was sitting there with his arrogant eyes fixed on me. I tried to smile casually, put on the careless facade as always. He could see behind it though. He always could. Damn it, that wasn't fair._

"_You called for me, Aizen-sama?" _

_I grinned, knowing there was some arrancar watching. Judging by the strength, it was Ulquiorra. Well, why should I care?_

"_Yes, I have. Three hours ago..."_

_I could here the impatience in his voice. He was pissed off that I didn't come running to him like a good dog. I smiled for real this time. I knew I shouldn't make him angry because it would only make it worse for me later, but I couldn't help it. It has a sweet taste of satisfaction to know I managed to spoil his day for those three hours he's been waiting for me. In some odd twisted way, it felt good._

"_... Gin!"_

_I jerked my head and looked at him again. I realized only now that he was still talking to me. Crap. NOW he was really pissed off. _

"_Hehe, Aizen-sama, I'm sorry, I just ... lost concentration."_

_I tried to smile. With no success. The anger was clearly emanating from him now. I was doomed._

"_It seems you are forgetting why I am always so good to you, Gin."_

_He raised an eyebrow, watching my reaction. Good? Hmm, yeah, right. I tried to hide my anger now, not answering him._

"_I remember it was YOU who came to me, begging me to take you here."_

_I took a deep breath, trying to concentrate on the crack in the floor. "Begging"! Who the hell was begging him for that? I remembered the night he came to me, announcing he's setting his plan in motion and that I was part of that plan whether I liked it or not. I knew my carefully set face started to crumble by now, the hate I felt must have shown through finally. I swore to myself long ago that I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing me like this. But he played dirty, as always. He was enjoying that play, sick bastard! He was still waiting for some response from me. Getting none, he smiled that twisted smile again._

"_Don't you like it here, Gin? Don't you feel safe?"_

_I heard the stress on the word "safe" and knew he wasn't referring to my personal safety._

"_Or would you rather ...?"_

_He didn't finish his question, leaving the ominous silence finish it for him. I knew what he meant and I heard myself snap._

"_You keep your hands off him, Aizen, I am warning you!"_

"_You're warning ME?"_

_His eyes mocked me. I struggled to calm down. I knew I shouldn't make it worse for myself, but the threat in his voice just before..._

"_I am keeping my end of the contract, so you keep yours or..."_

_I bit my lower lip. It was coming, I knew it. Yet, I couldn't stop myself._

"_Or what, Gin?"_

_His voice was amused. I shuddered at what he was possibly planning for me as a punishment._

"_Or the deal's off."_

_I finished almost whispering. Yes, I was doomed. This won't be like other times when I couldn't keep my mouth shut and I just HAD to push him over the edge. I was such in idiot. Really. Wasn't it bad enough as it was? Hmm, maybe I was masochist, because otherwise there wasn't a normal explanation. Hmm, maybe that was it, maybe I was crazy. I laughed at that thought, forgetting he was still there. That done it._

_Aizen rose from his throne, taking one slow step after another as he approached me. I braced myself. He came closer, stopping when he was at arm's reach, and then grabbed the front of my haori, pulling me closer. I could feel his hot breath on my face and jerked away instinctively. Not a good idea. The blow that followed would knock me off my feet if he weren't still holding my front. I felt the blood spurt from my nose, broken already. He leaned closer and whispered in my ear. _

"_Please, Gin, I know you don't want me to visit your precious fukutaichou."_

_The anger I have been trying to suppress until now have boiled over. I could hardly see with the sudden rage that filled me. He snickered but I didn't pay attention to it. My fists flew up and pushed against him hard. He did let go of me at that moment, a fleeting surprise appeared in his eyes. And then it was gone, replaced by malice I haven't seen before and I knew that this was what he wanted. This was the excuse he was seeking. My brain stopped reasoning and I charged at him, releasing my zanpakutou in an instant. This wasn't really good idea. I have never fought in such a state of my mind and I had no idea if I would be able to defend myself properly. Nevertheless, I have decided. Even if I couldn't win, I would try and then run for it, if I was still in the shape for running, that's it._

_Everything processed with shocking clarity through my mind while I was still advancing. For split of a second, I thought I saw something more in his expression. Was it fear? Did he think I had a chance at winning? Or at least chances at inflicting some damage before he would over power me? That gave me more confidence, not that I wouldn't have enough as it was. Maybe too much at that actually. In one moment, I raised my sword for first strike. In the next, I was on my back, searing pain in my arm. I turned my head to look what it was. Aizen was standing above me, one foot on my chest, his zanpakutou pinning my arm down. He looked at me with cold amusement and twisted the blade. I gritted my teeth, not allowing the pain making me cry out. I would not give him that pleasure. Not in a million years. _

_His foot grew heavier and I heard the unmistakable sound of the breaking bones. My ribs. As I struggled for breath, my mind calmed down a little, being analytic once again. I've caught the foot that had already broken two ribs and pushed it away. He just laughed, gracefully withdrawing few feet from me. I scrambled to my feet again, only now realizing something was wrong. My sword. Where was it? I looked around quickly and then I saw it. It was at Aizen's feet._

"_Now now, Gin, you have made enough trouble for one day. I see you are in pain now. Moreover, you have no weapon in your hands now. What will you do? Punch me?"_

_He laughed that horrible arrogant laugh, his eyes fixed on me._

"_Come to me now, Gin. I shall forgive you your disobedience. Prove your loyalty to me. You don't have to suffer anymore. Nobody has to suffer."_

_He put a stress on the last words, relying the meaning to me. Izuru. My breath caught in my lungs as I struggled to keep reasonable and calm. I couldn't. I charged at him again, my vision red. _

_I don't know how long it has been going on like this. When he was finished beating and cutting me, I was no more then a pulp on the floor, spitting blood on his white robes. He hated it, I knew he did. Though at this point, I didn't care if I pissed him off more. I felt his hand grabbing my torn clothes and he dragged me towards the chamber that was behind the throne. Really, was he still going to do THAT? What was the point? Didn't he have his fun today already? Probably not. I just made it more interesting for him. _

_The moment we were in his personal room, fear took over me. I knew what was coming and I knew from seeing his blazing eyes, that all the times before when I was with him weren't nothing compared to what I was to experience in very near future. He must have realized my sudden stillness and he threw me on the floor violently, slowly undressing himself. So I wasn't in for the bed this time, huh? As if answering my thoughts, he finally spoke again. Not that I missed his voice._

"_I don't want your filthy blood on my sheets. It's enough that I'll have to scrub myself afterwards. Undress!"_

_With the command, he kicked my stomach and I automatically curled up. But I wasn't going to cooperate even now. My mind was numbing already. He won't have so much fun after all, I thought to myself. Although I was pretty sure I was about to pass out any moment, Aizen had better thing prepared for me. He showed something under my nose. I have breathed in some strong essence. My eyes were burning in an instant. Whatever it was, my senses were sharper and I could once again feel the pain throughout my body. I couldn't help but chuckle. That was truly evil, brilliant plan. I had to give him that. _

_I managed to get myself into a sitting position, leaning my back against the bed. He looked at me with his venomous smile and crossed the few steps, once again leaning towards me, ordering me to take off my clothes. _

"_No."_

_I was surprised at how steady my voice was. It was clear and loud. I have somewhat expected no more then a whisper. Then I remembered who I was, I was Ichimaru Gin, a Captain of Gotei 13. I shall NOT kneel down before anybody! Well, I already have, but this was different. Aizen knew everything about me, every little detail from my childhood to now. He watched me grow and get stronger. He knew all my weaknesses, especially the one that was on my mind now. He knew my feelings. I growled at the memory when I came to him, confused and irritated, telling him everything like he was my father, as if he would help me! Yeah, right, as if that was ever going to happen. I never realized that Aizen didn't have anything in his hand that would hold me loyal to him if the time called for it. Tousen was his, mind and soul. But never me, I didn't care for all that shit about new world and better shinigami or arrancars or whatever the nonsense was. I was actually happy in Soul Society. And he knew it. _

_When I came to him with a plea for help, for explanation, he realized almost immediately that I have fallen for certain somebody and that he now possessed the best weapon against me. The plan was easy, on his side anyway. Do whatever you're told, follow my orders to the letter, when I say, you'll leave with me. All that in exchange for the life of the one I loved, Izuru. I didn't realize how deep the feelings were until Aizen "offered" me the chance to leave Soul Society. I had two options, leave with him and leave Izuru behind, or to take him with us. Either way, I was never to tell him about my feelings, Aizen got me persuaded that my fukutaichou wouldn't appreciate the thought that another man was ... well, wanting him. Mainly, that confused me the most. We were both men for crying out loud! While we were hanging out with Matsumoto, everybody's stare was on her, her cleavage mostly, but I didn't really feel that way. She was like my sister, really. Probably same as Izuru for her. One happy family... Right, I thought sarcastically. Izuru would be beside himself with joy if his "big bro" thought about him in a way that definitely wasn't permitted between family members._

_Another look at the cruel eyes of the one that was towering over me now told me that when I was finished, Izuru was next on the line. Aizen would definitely find a way into Soul Society, he would stop at nothing when it came to punishment. That got me standing again. I gathered my strength and got up. He left my zanpakutou on the ground in the other room, but he didn't have his own at hand either. Maybe I did have a chance after all. _

_Wrong._

_It didn't take him even two seconds to guess what was on my mind. He launched at me with his unbelievable strength. However, I was prepared this time and the punch that I gave him rattled his jaw, a little. His eyes were both surprised and furious. Next thing I knew he was holding my hair tightly and the corner of the bed table was speeding towards my head with curious slowness and I was vaguely aware that I couldn't move my hands to stop it. Then I closed my eyes and heard the loud thud as my forehead made the impact on the solid wood. Not that solid though, I heard it crash. I opened my eyes to see what happened, but at first, I felt disoriented, I didn't see anything, only blinding white light, only slowly dissolving into sparks and stars. Then another color made it into my eyes. Red. Crimson red started to cloud my vision of the right eye. I blinked, not sure what it was. Then I realized. Blood. _

_That son of a bitch smashed my head against the floor before I could react to the first blow. The splinters from the table were sticking to my bloody face. Then my head was lifted for the third time and I thought to myself that if he hits it hard enough again, no more smelly concoctions would wake me up. But then I felt oddly weightless and I realized that he lifted me on the bed. So much for the messy sheets, huh? I tried to focus, to get my hands working again, but he was already two steps ahead, tying them to the bed with ropes. I tried to flex against my bindings, but it wouldn't budge. The rope only cut deep into my wrists. Other ropes were now being tied to my ankles. He tied me to the large and wide bed, my stomach down. I knew this wasn't any good. With a swish, I felt slight breeze on my skin. That wasn't right, I mused. Oh, he removed my pants already. Tore them down to be more precise. I heard his low chuckle and his hands on my thighs. I braced myself, but it didn't help the scream that escaped me when he forced something up my butt. _

_It wasn't him, I knew it in instant. Something else. It was too hard and too big. My whole body convulsed with the pain, I could practically feel my insides being torn to shreds, the blood immediately spurting out, coating whatever it was that he was holding and seeping down on my legs and the sheets. When he thrust it deep inside for the fourth time, I blackened out, welcoming the dreamless and painless darkness. I came back to my senses as a stinging sharp pain hit my back. Another scream erupted through my lips. What the hell was THAT? I could smell burning flesh and realized it was MY flesh. I jerked my head in attempt to get away. Pointless. I lost it again._

_The next time I came around, it was dark in the room and I was alone. I wasn't tied anymore. He probably thought I wouldn't be able to run now. He was right. I couldn't even lift my hands. I knew I wasn't bleeding anymore, but I must have lost a lot of blood in order to be so weak now. As I lay there motionlessly, I started to make out the noises. There were voices from the other room. Aizen was there with one arrancar, I didn't know which one, I didn't care. I closed my eyes again, hoping the blackness would envelop me again when I caught some of the conversation._

"_... clearing, yes. HE will be there for sure, sooner or later anyway. I want you to bring him here alive. I don't care if you'll have to ruffle him up a little before you'll get here with him. Do you remember what he looks like?"_

"_Yes, Aizen-sama. He isn't tall, has blond hair and wears third fukutaichou's clothes. His name, Kira Izuru."_

_My eyes snapped opened in the instant. No! My mind screamed with realization. Not Izuru, please... The door opened suddenly and Aizen came in. _

"_Ah, Gin, you're awake? So good of you to join me once more."_

_He chuckled, probably seeing my horrified expression._

"_I see you were eavesdropping. Now now, haven't you been taught that you shouldn't do that? Hmm, it doesn't matter either way. You will have the opportunity to see for yourself whether young Izuru feels about you the same as you feel about him. Maybe he'll be even glad to serve me instead of you if I explain things to him properly."_

_I felt sick. I couldn't see anymore. Then his fingers touched my forehead, brushing some hair from it in almost affectionate manner. _

"_You see, Gin, I told you this would happen if you stopped obeying my orders."_

"_Why?"_

_My voice was almost inaudible, coming out in rasps. _

"_Why what, Gin?"_

"_I did everything you told me. I betrayed my division, I betrayed my friends, and I turned away from the only person that ever mattered to me. I came here with you. Even though I did everything, you were always asking for more. You made me your lap dog; you made me your slave, your toy! And you are still unsatisfied! Why? Why Izuru?"_

_The sudden ferocity of my voice surprised me but he just smiled in that sickening way._

"_You never truly belonged to me, Gin. Your thoughts were always somewhere else. Did you think I wouldn't know that you still keep the picture of you and that little blonde? It's so sweet it's sick! But I'll make him mine. I'll even allow you to watch, as he'll writhe under me, begging for more. Something YOU would never do."_

_He was eyeing me coldly and I knew he meant every word. _

"_P-please, don't. I'll do everything, I swear, Aizen ... sama."_

_I choked out the words, trying to hold it._

"_Too late, Gin. I warned you. Now, I want you out of here immediately. If you don't get that sorry ass off my bed in one minute, I'll take it that you want to continue in what we started previously."_

_I realized at once and quickly gathered the rest of my strength to get up and reach for my pants. I was very well aware of every wound, every muscle... I left the room, supporting myself against the walls. I was only too glad that Aizen's room had another passage out. I wasn't fond of the idea of going through the main hall. I made it into my room and to the bathroom. I wasn't sure if what I was about to do was a right idea, but I had to try. The arrancar sent for Izuru was Stark, I was positive of it from the voice I heard. Maybe there was still a chance. _

_I stood under the shower only long enough to get clean. Then I put the new clothes on. One look into the mirror told me I would scare the living dead with my appearance only. Good. Maybe I'll be able to make my point. I went right to Stark's room. _

"_I was expecting you, Ichimaru-sama."_

_Stark's eyes wandered about me slowly with bored expression. He invited me inside but didn't make any sign of inviting me to sit. I was glad. I wouldn't be able to anyway. I watched him for some time, and then get straight to the point. _

"_All I am asking is to postpone the visit to Soul Society for few hours. By then, I'll be gone. When he finds out, he'll be glad you didn't leave yet and he'll surely send you after me first..."_

"_You do realize that if he does, I will have to bring you back, Ichimaru-sama?"_

"_Yes, I do. But maybe it'll take some time before you'll find me and he'll cool down meanwhile... I won't make trouble for you when you catch up with me."_

"_Hmmm, I am not going to make any exceptions or any favors... I was heading out tomorrow anyway."_

_I was about to thank him when he held his hand up and continued._

"_Actually, I am already sleeping, I never saw you in my room, Ichimaru-sama."_

_He looked at me with a concern and spoke again._

"_Don't look for your sword, he keeps it. If you want to leave, do it without hesitation, now. And... Good luck."_

"_Thank you."_

_I was barely keeping it together, but I managed to get out of his room with straight face and headed towards the desert immediately. When I was far enough, I opened the gate and stepped through. _

_And then I stumbled and fell through nothing, hitting the trees soon after. Ouch. Great. That's what I needed. I got up and looked around. Where was I? Quick look around made me realize. I was in one place I wanted to be most but also the one place where I absolutely shouldn't be. The Soul Society..._


	3. Another Goodbye

**Another Goodbye (Izuru)**

_My eyes widened when I saw him fall down. I must say, I have never saw him even a falter, let alone loose a consciousness, but here I was, watching him as his eyes blanked and he fainted right in front of me. I wasn't sure whether I should trust that or if it was just a trap, but something was telling me that he wouldn't need to make such a trap since I was alone here and he could easily overpower me if he wanted. I took few hesitant steps towards his body sprawled on the ground. I was only two feet from him now and I could see more clearly, what has startled me before. His robes, normally pristine white and tidy, were now torn on few places and there were leaves sticking out of his hair. If I didn't know better, I would have thought he have fallen through some bushes. His face was obviously beaten recently, there were bruises that only started to purple and some cuts weren't even healing yet. I could hardly recognize the face of my former captain. _

_I looked more closely and saw that his arm was bleeding; the blood was seeping through the fabric. It must have reopened because there wasn't any damage on his clothes in that particular area. I watched him for some time. There was something unspoken about his whole appearance. I still couldn't figure out why he was here, HERE of all places. Didn't he know in what danger he was in just by coming to Soul Society? It didn't matter we were in Rukongai now, the gates of Seretei were too close. I was losing an internal battle with myself. Against my better judgment, against my sense of duty, I knew I wouldn't be able to turn him in. Not when he looked like this. I got up and looked around, making sure there was nobody nearby. I ran through the forest in a mile radius just to make sure. To my relief, there wasn't anybody. I returned to the clearing, curious if he was still there. He was. I took a piece of paper and scribbled a quick note: "Stay here, I'll come back, alone. Kira I."_

_I gave him one last glance and then hurried back to my flat. When I passed some of the people I knew, I just mumbled greetings and continued. I didn't even once thought about going to somebody, ratting Ichimaru-taichou out. That thought never crossed my mind actually. I quickly closed myself inside my little apartment and searched for what I came here for, first aid kit, blanket, some water and food. I packed everything within few minutes. Lastly, I send a note to Commander Yamamoto, that I was taking the vacation he has been suggesting to me for some time already. This done, I headed back to the clearing. I took a detour, making sure nobody followed me. When I was sure I was alone in the waste woods of Rukongai, I went straight to the place I left him alone, unprotected. _

_He was still there, lying on the ground just like I left him, the note from me still beside him, untouched. I took it and looked around for better shelter. I knew there was some abandoned hut nearby. I bit my lower lip, deciding what to do. Then, with a sigh, I lifted him up with some difficulty – he was still larger man then me after all. Nevertheless, I managed to get him outside the hut in few minutes and after putting him down, I cautiously opened the door. It creaked and my heart accelerated. I felt as if I was there to steal. Well, now that I think about it, I WAS stealing. I was stealing the time with him. _

_The inside of the hut was dusty, the spiders fleeting as I stepped in. But I was lucky, there was a couch that looked comfortable enough and there was a simple fireplace with a pot. Good, I'll be able to warm some water. After sweeping the worst from the couch, I put him on it and closed the door securely. I unpacked my bag and quickly set to work. What I needed was hot water to wash the wounds before the infection got into them. Somehow, I managed to light the fire and soon, I was sitting on the floor beside the couch, the pot with steaming water beside me, cloth in my hand. I wasn't sure how to proceed. I took a deep breath and started with his face, continuing to his arms and chest. I had to carefully open his robes. I winced upon seeing the almost black bruises that were covering his torso. I touched his side gingerly and it was clear he had broken ribs. _

_I was cleaning his wounds for the rest of the afternoon. He hadn't woken once although I had to use some disinfectant before I covered the worst cuts with plasters and bandages. The worst were his back. There was angry looking burn-mark. It took me a lot of time to carefully peel the clothes off and clean it properly. Luckily, I had some ointment, which was good for healing such wounds. I found a pillow and after shaking out a considerable amount of dust, I propped it behind him so that he was now more leaning on his good arm, leaving his back free. I wasn't sure how his ribcage would react to that, but I had to risk it. When the evening crept in, I was exhausted. It was one hell of a long day and I was just praying that nobody would look for me. I pushed the couch near the fire and put blanket over him, sitting myself on the floor, my back resting against the couch. I could easily reach to his face; check the temperature now and then. _

_He stayed practically comatose for the whole next day too, but he wasn't running a fever and that was a good sign. I managed to get some broth into him, though he stayed unconscious the whole time. I found a well form the other side of the hut and I was taking the water there to clean him again. I redressed the wounds, making sure it stayed clean. The one on his arm started to close nicely. A scare was going to remain, that was for sure and I couldn't tell if it won't have any effects afterwards since I was positive it should have been stitched. The bruises started to get the yellowish color and I could tell he started to sleep better, though his eyes were moving quickly under his lids and he was twitching, obviously having a bad dream. His brows were furrowed and I couldn't stop my hand from reaching up, my thumb running over them lightly. I watched his face, unable to take my eyes off him. I must admit I was dreaming about a day that I would get to watch him like this, to be so close to him..._

_I drew my knees up and rested my forehead on them, feeling my emotions overflowing again. Closing my eyes, I tried to calm my breathing, feeling the tears that were fighting their way on the surface. I let them; there was nothing I could do about it anyway. Suddenly, a soft whisper woke me up from my dreaming._

"_Izuru..."_

_I looked up quickly, not realizing the tears that were still streaming down my cheeks. He did though._

"_Why are you crying, Izuru?"_

_Before I could answer, he frowned and sat up, looking around puzzled. He winced, apparently feeling the pain and looked about himself, his eyes turning to me with surprise. _

"_W-what...? W-where am I?"_

"_You're still in Rukongai, Ichimaru-sama. We are near the clearing..."_

_I paused and looked at him apologetically._

"_I wasn't sure why you came and I thought I should wait until you gain consciousness before telling anybody about your appearance. I am sorry if I made a mistake."_

_The astonishment in his eyes was real. _

"_You... You saved me and you even didn't tell anybody?"_

_He looked at me incredulously, clearly unable to understand my action._

"_Izuru, but... I... Thank you."_

_I looked at him surprised as he finished whispering. _

"_Ichimaru-sama... Why did you come here? If somebody else saw you..."_

I couldn't finish the sentence, shuddering at what could have happen.

"I don't know, Izuru, I wasn't really heading here, but I did end up here. I will understand if you'll turn me in now. I deserve that, I know. But... If you could just listen to me for a little longer, I have to tell you... I... I shall take any punishment afterwards, just listen to me first, please..."

The sincerity of his voice, the urgent tone, I had no idea what to expect. He was sitting up now, looking at me kindly. That was the first time I really saw such expression on his face. Before I knew it, I was trying to calm him, to assure him that I did not intend to rat out on him. His eyes softened even more and for a moment, I thought I saw tears in them. Then he leaned closer and I felt his soft lips on my forehead, kissing it lightly.

"Izuru, thank you. I... I don't know what to say. I just... I love you."

The words were mere whisper now but they still rattled my whole world. What did he say? Did I hear right? He loved me? My head was spinning and I looked at him, half expecting a cruel joke, but when I met his gaze, there was nothing but fear. I wasn't sure how I knew it was it, but I just did. He was waiting for my response, fearing the rejection. It was clear as a day to me at that precise moment. I didn't trust my words, I have dreamt too long for those words to believe they were truth now. Instead, it was me leaning closer this time as I pressed tender kiss on his lips, hoping this answer would suffice. It did. His arms reached out for me slowly, and embraced me. I couldn't pull away; it felt so good to be held like that.

We stayed like that, silently embracing, for a long time. I didn't want to break it first and it seemed neither did he. Finally, I looked up and our lips met once more. It wasn't the shy kiss that we shared just moments ago. No, this one was filled with all the unspoken words, with the need that was both his and mine. The urgency of the kiss surprised me and I lost balance. I would have probably fall down if he didn't hold me. He looked at me nervously, another expression I've never seen before, and touched my cheek lightly with his fingertips.

"I'm sorry, Izuru, I shouldn't have… Please forgive me…"

He leaned away, his hold on me loosening.

"No! I… It's not that, Ichimaru-sama. D-don't stop… Please."

I couldn't believe I was saying that! Yet here I was, sitting on the floor, looking up at him as if he was some religious icon. He reached for me again and I slowly got up, biting my lip as I sat tentatively beside him on the couch. He smiled, gently and reassuringly, and then his fingers lift up to my face once again, touching my cheeks and lips. He left his fingers wonder over my skin, down my neck and collarbones to my shoulders. I felt the fabric of my kimono slip from them and his cool fingers traced over my rather slender frame. His eyes never left mine, his face so close I could feel his breath on my lips, which made me wanting him even more. I felt the heat rising to my cheeks and the light amusement and wonder in his expression told me that I must have blush furiously. That made me blush even more and he leaned closer and whispered, his hands still resting on my shoulders.

"Breath, Izuru, you're turning purple."

He chuckled for the first time, then composed himself again and added.

"If you're uncomfortable, please just tell me, I'll stop…"

I just shook my head, concentrating on the breathing part. I didn't want him to stop. Even though I have never done anything like this and I had only a very vague image of what I should expect, I still wanted it. I dreamt about this moment for too long to let it slip now.

I bit my lip, again, and lifted my eyes to meet his, leaning in for another kiss. His lips brushed against mine and I felt his tongue lick my lower lip, requesting the entrance. I granted him that wish, parting my lips as I closed my eyes and melted into the kiss. His arms pressed me closer and I was suddenly aware that our now naked chests were touching each other. He was warm, warmer than me actually. I realized I was a little cold and shivered. The fire was almost gone but I didn't want to get up and put more wood on it. His arms embraced me more tightly until I was practically crushed into him, his body enveloping me like a warm blanket. He didn't wince even once when he moved though I was sure the wounds were still quite painful. I forgot all about it soon enough though.

He was hesitating, but at the same time, he had the same needy expression that I must have had. He pushed me gently down on the couch, his body following until he was lying on top of me, his weight pressing me further into the soft mattress. His lips found mine and with the unexpected ferocity, he kissed me again. It was long; I was struggling for breath afterwards. While trying to steady my breath, I realized his hands weren't exactly where they have been a moment ago, around my body. I frowned and then gasped, looking sharply at him. I found his hands at once. Well, I felt them, that's more precise. He was stroking my legs, sliding his long fingers up from my knees to my thighs. I blushed again when a soft moan escaped my lips. I was positively trembling now. But not with fear, I was excited! And I could feel the excitement very clearly in my groin…

Ichimaru smiled and untied my pants, slowly pulling them down. I didn't protest, I was just ashamed of what he was about to see once he looked back. But he didn't laugh or make fun of it; he just rubbed his palm against the bulge in my pants and moved up again to kiss me. I realized he wasn't wearing his trousers anymore either and I remembered why I didn't remove them while tending to his wounds – he wasn't wearing pants. The sudden heat rose to my head and I felt like exploding when I just imagined what was now pressed to my thigh, too aware of its presence now. NOW he chuckled, understanding my discomfort, but didn't move an inch. His hands were still caressing my thighs.

I don't know when I have been stripped completely naked and I have no idea how long we were making out afterwards, exploring each other's body. I felt as if I was drunk, my hands moving on their own. I remember clearly the first time my fingers trailed too low and touched something very warm and very hard… And I remember the first time our bodies melted into each other. I was sure my moans and cries must have been heard miles away, but he assured me I wasn't THAT loud. I believed him, it was the only thing I could do, because the shame would drown me otherwise.

When I woke up the next day, the fireplace was cold, but I wasn't. Weird. I tried to sit up and realized something heavy was stopping me. Heavy AND warm. I dared to look up and found him still laying on top of me, snoring lightly, his face calm and handsome. I closed my eyes again, enjoying the pleasant weight of his body. I must have fallen asleep again, because the next thing I knew was his lips on mine and his whispering was making their way to my ears. I blinked few times before focusing. He was smiling down at my puzzled expression.

"I was just saying that I meant what I said yesterday, Izuru. I do love you. I think I always did."

That startled me. He never even once showed me as much as a grin. That's not usually, how you present your feelings. But then I remembered. The first time on the clearing, I thought I saw something in his eyes, a flicker of hesitation maybe. And then before he left, he was so depressed and unusually quiet. It made perfect sense now. All of it. And suddenly I was aware of another thing. MY feelings. I did feel the same way about him. I always did. And the tears spilled from my eyes as I hugged him tightly, whispering*

"I love you too, taichou."

"Gin. Call me by my name, please, Izuru. I am neither your sempai now, nor your captain."

I was dumbfounded. I tried to say it in my mind first, rolling the name to and fro on my tongue, then saying it aloud hesitantly.

"I… I love you, Gin."

I blushed. He chuckled.

"It's not that bad, is it?"

I shook my head and he laughed again. It was calming, hearing his silver laugh, not mocking, not condemning, but gentle and soft.

We stayed together the whole day like that. Sitting on the sofa, talking about small things, laughing together, kissing. It was the best day of my life yet. And also the worst one, because all this time we were together, there was the threat that was hanging over us like an ominous sign. I pictured us in one of the stories I read once, The Pit and the Pendulum. It was just like that. And I was right. As the night approached, he left me in the silent darkness that surrounded me, with the last words of love and promise he'll come back for me. That night, I cried myself to sleep again. The pain of the loss was so much more than ever before. Something was on the back of my mind when the dreams finally took me, but I didn't think about it until few weeks later…


	4. Urahara's Shop

**Urahara's Shop (Gin)**

I knew that by leaving him, I was risking both my sanity and his starting love. But by staying, I would risk his life and I wouldn't have that. Never. It was too suspicious as it was already. Kira Izuru was always at work, unfailingly, so that when he told me he took few days off to attend to me, I knew that sooner or later, they will start looking for him, asking questions he won't be able to answer. That's why I left. The tears I saw in his eyes when I closed the door of the hut behind me were still hunting me.

"Why do you have to go so soon again?"

He wasn't protesting and I was wandering whether it was the reason why it hurt me so much more. The silent resignation in his eyes. As if he wasn't expecting nothing more that this, that I would leave him again eventually. As if all the words of love and care that I have said were nothing more than lies. Maybe he believed that, or maybe he needed to believe that to protect his mind. Still, I couldn't stay and to be honest, I didn't want to. Not just because I tried to protect him, or because I didn't want to get caught. But because most of all, I didn't want to get involved too much. I've been burnt before. My mind was screaming it at me every second we were together. My heart was telling me that Izuru wouldn't betray me. Deep inside, I knew it, but it was so much easier just to get up and leave…

So, why the hell I was feeling so lonely? I've never realized how empty and unfriendly the world can be. Not until I was standing there, surrounded by the grey panel houses that were now all patchy from the rain that just wouldn't stop pouring down. It was raining for three days straight already, the sky was grey and low. It was only middle of September, but the trees were already loosing the leaves. It wasn't the autumn that you see on the pictures, with the vast land with forests that are bathing in afternoon sun, the yellow and red leaves glittering. No, instead, all I saw when I appeared in the living world was this. The grayish tall houses, looming over the people that were scurrying home to get away from the cold and rain; and brown, the trees, the mud on the streets and even the grass had a brown tint. I've never felt so empty in my life…

I was standing in the living world finally. I was aimlessly wandering the streets of some town in Japan. I couldn't care less where I was. It didn't really matter anyway. I was far from anybody I knew and hoping it would stay this way. But I knew that this wasn't good enough. I needed something and for that, I needed the devil himself. Urahara Kisuke. How in the hell was I going to approach him? I had no idea. All I knew about him was that he despised Aizen to the bone and that by allying that man, I was deeming myself for the very same fate. I was still kinda hoping he'd listen to me and that he would even help me. Yes, right, I know I was being stupid and rather naïve, which wasn't usually my distinct trait. But reuniting with Izuru had somehow filled me with hope that after all the ordeal, there would be some bright sides. Like that was ever going to happen. My subconscious was battling within me. On one hand, I needed to go to Urahara, on other, I didn't want nothing more than stay away from him as far as possible.

The main reason for staying away was obvious, he hated my guts. The other was that he was pals with Kurosaki and I could somehow imagine that if I appeared there, that stupid orange haired boy would be somewhere near and I would end up fighting with him. That would be fun of course, if I had my zanpakutou with me. Which I didn't. I sighed inwardly. I really missed the familiar weight on my hip and the occasional bump on my leg while walking. It was my life vest so to say. Something to hang onto in the situations when I couldn't avoid fighting. The truth is, I hate fights, it's stupid and pointless and I don't see a reason why I should involve myself in something like that.

...

I don't know long have I been just standing by the window, watching the rain again. It never ceased to amaze me actually. Few months ago, the rain was dull and grey, making the world look so much more hostile. Now it was a gentle shower that washed away the dust and woke up the colors to be radiant and somehow more colorful. Even the people seemed to welcome the refreshment. I saw a girl walking through the park barefoot, laughing and facing the rain. She reminded me of Izuru. He would do such a silly thing for sure have he been here with me now. Which he wasn't, I had to remind that to myself over and over. In fact, I was pretty positive he'd never want to see me again. Not after what we shared and my hasty departure.

I took another deep breath and shook my head. No, now wasn't the time to cry over that. What was done was done and I couldn't change even if I wanted to. He was safe where he was and I was about to break into Urahara's shop to finally get what I needed. I spent weeks watching that place, marking every small detail about the shop owner and his assistants and visitors. There was only one short period of time in which all of them left the shop unattended and closed. There was an alarm, of course. I tested it with a stray cat and few weeks later with a dog. It took Urahara precisely ten minutes to get here from wherever he was at the time. Nothing happened to the animals of course, but it seemed like they were trapped in there until he came in and released them out.

I had to risk it. Now or never. I left the small flat inhabited and made my way tot he Urahara's. I watched and waited and sure enough, at the exact time as every week, all of them emerged from the store, locked it and left. Another half an hour passed in silence. I had to be quick and above all, not seen.

Slowly, I slipped to the back and jumped over the wall to the courtyard. Good, nothing happened yet. I went straight for the door and broke the glass – no need to conceal it since the chances of Urahara not finding out about the robbery were very slim indeed. Getting in was easy enough. I looked around the storeroom. I knew I have tripped the alarm already though the house remained silent. I searched the shelves, going through one box after another. Finally some luck! I held in my hand what I needed and now was the time to run for it. I checked the clock. Less then three minutes left. I was good on time, but the best way out would be to simply walk out the front door. And so I did.

I felt somebody's presence as soon as I stepped out, but it was strange and almost alien to me and not alone. I knew I was quite weakened by the stay in the living world and that my senses were a bit off, so it didn't really surprise me that I was unable to say who is there and in what numbers. Then something caught my attention at the corner of my eye and I turned to face whatever was there. And then I saw it and stared...

Hello everybody. And again, I am very VERY sorry for letting you wait this long for a new chapter. I am afraid my job and life keeps busy, despite my efforts to push it back. ;-) Anyway, this is a short chapter, but a new one will follow soon, I promise. This time, I really mean it. :-) As always, I apologize all the mistakes that I made, be it misspelling, wrong tenses, etc. I really do try to check it before release, but for the life of me, I can't see the mistakes even in my mother language, let alone English – though you're lucky, if I was writing in Czech, the mistakes would be far often and far greater. _ Thank you for reading and bearing with me.


	5. Hell has no End

**Hell has no End**** (Aizen)**

NOTE from the author: Please read another of my stories, "Broken Hearts" (especially chapter 2 – Flashback and complete chapter 5), for the history that I will mention lower – Sousuke's parents and something more. Some events and names are rather important, some are not. Thank you for your understanding and I hope you will like the other story too. :-)

"But I HATE him!" I screamed at my grandmother. Why wouldn't she listen to me? The man tossed me away when I was barely few minutes old. I've never seen him in my life and I was positive I never wanted to see him.

"He's your father, Sousuke..."

"He doesn't even know it's me or that I am alive! You told me, you told me how he wanted you to kill me! Why should I go to his stupid academy?"

"Because you are starving here. And I am old, I can't take care of you anymore. He doesn't know it's you, that's truth. One more reason to go there. You can learn how to fight and maybe you will defeat him one day."

I knew she was right. I called her my grandmother, she gave me my name and shared hers with me too. Aizen Sunako was an old midwife that cared for me since the day I was born. I never new my mother, or should I say my birth father. It was a strange idea a man gave birth to me. But he died that day. His name was Keitaro and the only thing I had from him was an amulet that Sunako took after she was sent away to kill me. The one ordering her to do so was my other father, Yamamoto Genryuusen, Commander of Gotei 13, living in the Sereitei, a world where people like me went if they had some power.

"So...?!"

"Fine! But only so that I can kill him one day." I shrugged. I didn't like the notion of leaving her alone. She was almost blind now, but still kept walking around Rukongai as if she was twenty years old and full of vigor. But no matter how frail she was, when she said something, I had to obey...

And so, few days later, I was packed and off to that shinigami academy I kept hearing about. Once I crossed the gates to Sereitei, I could hardly believe my eyes. It was so different here. Back there, we were starving to death by hundreds. Here, there was food everywhere. I wasn't the only one gawking though. All of us who came through the same gate were staring at the market place we passed on our way. It was eerie to see so much food at one place. We arrived on the academy grounds some hour later, our stomachs rumbling, eyes watering at the brightness of the place. We were greeted by some shinigami. They made us stand on a huge plaza at the heart of the academy, dividing us into smaller groups. Selection by amount and nature of our powers, I guessed. It seemed most likely to do.

My group was rather small. At first, I thought there would be more coming with us, but then a glumly looking female shinigami led us to our dormitories, explaining the rules of the place on the way. Her name was Hina ... something. I couldn't remember, it didn't matter anyway. She had some old scars on her face and it looked like she took quite some injuries to her leg, or legs, because she was walking with a slight limp.

The dorms were small, there were ten beds in each room, ten rooms in total for each section of the dorms. Every section had one common room and its own training room. The best of all was the rest of the academy though. The dining room was HUGE. Like really huge. It could take all the students in at once. We were told it was used as an assembly room too – one in which the Greeting Ceremony and Graduation Ceremony would take. Classes were much smaller and simple, just tables and chairs, blackboard at the front. The most important were the training grounds. There was enough room to practice with the whole academy and then some.

Weeks passed by and I started to understand how Rukongai and Sereitei was divided, what was the purpose of shinigami and this academy, and what was expected from us as the future graduates. I have almost forgotten I once didn't want to come here. This was my home now, I felt I belonged. And I wrote less and less to Sunako...

Years came and went, shinigami graduated and new arrived. It was finally our turn to graduate too. I feared this moment as much as I was excited about it. This would be the first time I met Commander Yamamoto. In all the years I was there, I haven't seen him even once, not even from afar. But this time, I would have to shake hands with him in front of everybody. Will he recognize me? What will he do if he does? As I came to the dining room and took my seat, my heart was pounding and my head was full of questions, my emotions in turmoil. I was the best in the year. I graduated with the best score possible, I gained respect among my fellow students and teachers alike. But the Commander was something else...

Yamamoto Genryuusen entered the room and everything went still and quiet. I could feel his reiatsu. It was said he had to suppress it when around others and if that was truth, I couldn't even begin to imagine how much power the old man had, because when he entered, I felt enormous weight settling uncomfortably on my shoulders. I could see the others felt it too. Some of the weaker ones downright passed out and had to be dragged further back.

I looked at him. I wanted to see the face of the man that ordered my death all those years ago. He was older than I thought. His hair was almost completely grey now, though gran told me he used to have brown hair like me. His arms and face was covered in long scars, some of them were starting on his neck too, suggesting the rest of his body looked just as scarred. His eyes were younger though, they seem to follow everything at once, "seeing" everything at once. And then our eyes met...

Sudden wave of sickness ran through me. I could taste blood in my mouth – I have probably bitten my lip too hard. The hair on the back of my neck stood up and all my instincts screamed to run away. I returned his gaze calmly. There was no recognition in his eyes, no sign of acknowledgment. So he didn't know. That was a relief.

The rest of the ceremony went well. I received my diploma from my own father, who shook my hand and congratulated me.

"Aizen Sousuke, the Academy is proud of you." I thought I would feel sick at that, but I didn't. It actually made me feel good, like a big bowl of hot soup. Strange.

After the graduation, we were assigned to goteis and started to work there. It was a month after the ceremony when I received a note from the Commander himself to come to his office. I didn't know what to make out of it, no new graduate was ever summoned to the Commander before. I was getting a lot of strange looks on the way there. I wasn't overly popular, not now, not even at the academy. I worked hard and refused to go drinking and have "fun" like the others did. It never occurred to me that I am different in that.

I knocked on the hard wooden door and waited.

"Come in." came a booming voice from inside.

"Commander, you have sent for me." I bowed as was required.

"Close the door and sit down." He indicated on a single chair in front of his desk. I looked around the office and noticed that was about the only furniture in the room. Except for shelves covering all the walls, filled with books, scrolls, maps and things I have never seen in my life before. There was no couch, no coffee table, not even a recliner. Nothing. Just the desk, his chair, the chair opposite his desk and the endless walls of books. And him, of course. He looked like a part of the inventory. He was huge in person, I knew that. And the desk wasn't that big to hide him or anything, but as he sat there, it was as if they made the room around him while he was sitting there, at that desk, so he somehow fitted in the space naturally. Come to think of it, they probably DID built the room like that. Maybe even the office and the building... Now that was kind of funny idea...

"Is there something funny, young man?"

"No, sir. I was just admiring your office."

He didn't say anything to that. He just sat there, watching me. It was unnerving.

"What can I do for you, sir?" I finally asked, wondering what in the world could he want with me.

"You are Aizen Sousuke, right? Aizen... The name is familiar. Where are you from?"

I stiffened. If he recognized my grandmother's name and if I told him where in Rukongai I was living before, he could guess my true identity. So I lied.

"Thirty seventh precinct, sir."

He eyed me, then I felt the sickening weight of his reiatsu.

"Liar."

His voice was calm, but I could feel his anger. I had the impression he didn't try to hide it, he just didn't want others to hear us arguing. But what should I do? Before I could say anything, he pierced me with his gaze and spoke again.

"I would recognize his eyes anywhere, anytime. You're THAT boy."

I didn't say anything. He continued.

"Your reiatsu reminds me of him too. You're his son. His only son..."

I still remained silent. There was no telling how this would end. The least I could do was to keep quiet and don't give him reason to kill me right there. He looked at me and spoke one more time.

"You know who I am. You WILL show me respect. Answer me! WHERE ARE YOU FROM?"

His voice remained low and calm, but there was a definite sound to it. There was no point in keeping quiet now.

"I know who you are, Commander. You are Yamamoto Genryuusen. You are my father. I was born here in Sereitei and brought up in sixtieth precinct of Rukongai by Sunako Aizen, a midwife that took care of my father Keitaro."

I lifted my hand and pulled an amulet out from behind of my robes where it rested from the day I learned the truth of my parentage. He looked at it, obviously recognizing it at once.

"Why are you here, boy?"

"To kill you."

He looked surprised at that.

"Oh, and why is that?"

"My father is dead because of you and you would have me dead too." I looked at him defiantly. Or at least I hope that's what I looked like.

"Yes and no. Yes, I would have you dead. But no, Keitaro isn't dead because of me. He's dead because of you. Because you were born, he died. You leeched the life out of him. YOU robbed me of him."

His reiatsu increased on it's pressure, his words were cold, hard... I felt sick, really sick. Sunako never told me HOW my father died, only that it had something to do with the Commander. My head was spinning. If what he said was true, then I... I was responsible for the death of my father, I was responsible for this man's suffering, but...

"I haven't done anything. I was just a baby. How could I have any control over my life then?"

I felt tears stinging in my eyes. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault. IT WASN'T!

"That has little meaning now. He's dead and you are not. I once wished you dead. I was grieving back then. I didn't try to look for you, because I was sure the woman killed you, if I knew... I don't know. But you're here now, the pride of the Academy... What should I do with you?"

He mused aloud. I had no idea what to tell him to that. I already said I wanted to kill him, didn't I? Should have kept my mouth shut...

"You're awfully quiet, boy. Hmmm, yes, I think I will find a use for you."

Something in his voice, in his eyes, in his very presence, unsettled me so much I shivered. I couldn't move and I was sure that even if I did, it would be futile.

"What do you have in mind?"

I was surprised by the sound of my own voice. It was as if someone else has spoken. It came out as a croak, a whispered croak. I hated myself for being this afraid. I have never been truly afraid in my entire life, until now.

"Let me tell you, how this will work..."

And so began my life under my father's rule. I was to tell no one about my parents. I was to tell no one about the missions I was sent on, what I did, what I saw or what I heard. Generally speaking, I was to talk to anybody about anything at any given place and time. I was separated from the rest. I maintained my place in the gotei I was assigned to, but I was under direct orders from Commander himself. The others hated me for that. My senpais hated me too. I kept skipping up the ladder without obvious efforts. If only they knew about my work in the living world...

Years passed and I continued my existence. At the beginning, I was revolted to do the things I was told, killing one person after other, shinigami that got too involved, hollows, everything that somehow stood in the way of the perfect world of Commander Yamamoto. Day after day, I was the hand of a God... Day after day, I hated myself a little more... Day after day, I started to like what I did, inflicting pain, torturing people. I got very good in it too. If there was an information nobody else could get, I was sent it. Failure wasn't an option. Every failure was rewarded by Commander himself. In a dungeon of his house, I would be beaten, left to starve, humiliated... I learned quickly that to avoid this, I had to obey every word to the letter.

One day, I was charged with building a laboratory to study hollows, shinigami and people alike. That's where I truly started to understand the mechanics behind our very being. And I discovered possibilities how to improve us... My father didn't want to know anything about the research I conducted, as long as it bore fruits to reap in the end. Eventually, I started to become stronger, more powerful, more "aware".

I still hated the man calling himself my father. For everything he did to me, for forcing me to do things I didn't want to do, for making me who I was... I hated him most for killing my grandmother. It was my hand delivering the blow, but his order that did it. It was shortly after I started to "work" for him. He was teaching me lessons of obedience. He ordered me to kill her. I refused. I was beaten harder than ever. I recovered and he ordered me again. And once again, I refused and the circle would repeat. Ten times. In the end, I had no will left. I did it. I didn't even cry, I felt nothing. That day, I felt my heart break and freeze over at the same time. From that day, I cared for nothing, I wanted nothing but get better, stronger, immortal...

Until the day I met Ichimaru Gin...


	6. Pain has no End Either

**Pain has no End Either (Gin)**

I couldn't believe my eyes. There he was, standing on the road before me, his eyes wide and filled with tears. He was soaked from the rain that was still pouring down. When our eye met, he smiled and took a step towards me. And as he did, a man stepped from shadow and stabbed him in his back. Aizen Sousuke watched the body of my former fukutaichou slide to the ground with cruel smile. My world shattered in that instant as I watched Izuru bleed on the wet concrete.

"I told you to stay with me and obey, Gin. I did tell you, didn't I? This is all YOUR fault. Poor Izuru, he did love you after all."

He chuckled but I could hardly hear him. I don't remember much after that. Only some strong arms pulling me up and away. Me, trying to look back at Izuru, to see him one more time. And then nothing...

When I opened my eyes, I was back in my nightmare. Only, it was real, all of it was so real. I remembered Izuru. Oh, God, the blood, there was so much blood! I tried to swallow, but couldn't. The vision was seared into my brain and I couldn't do anything to hush it away. I doubled over and retched. Then blackness took me again, haunting me with the image of Izuru lying in pool of his own blood, eyes staring at me blankly...

After a while... Was it hours? Days? Weeks? Voice woke me up. HIS voice... I tried to shut it out, but couldn't.

"Giiiin, wake up. Come on, Giiiin. You've been down here for eternity. Don't you want to come home?"

Aizen's voice was sweet, happy. I would be sick again, only I haven't eaten since I was taken from living world and there was nothing left in me. I didn't protest when he picked me up like a child and carried me to his room behind the throne. I didn't protest when he tore my clothes off and tied me to bed. I didn't protest even when he entered me hard, without any preparation, using only my own blood as a lube once he broke into me. I didn't protest. I didn't care anymore. My life ended there on the street before Urahara's shop.

My world shrinked to days and nights filled with endless nightmares about Izuru or endless pain inflicted by Aizen. He untied me only to let me into his own bathroom to wash blood and cum away. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere else. I ate what he force-fed me.

"Come now, Gin, you know you want it."

What day was it? Was it Wednesday? Did it matter?

"Hey! I haven't allowed you to pass out yet!"

My vision blurred for a moment as he hit me across my bruised face. It only felt numb. I turned my eyes to him slowly, I couldn't move anything else. My wrists and ankles were bleeding from continuous tying up, every time I tried to move one of my limbs, pain would blind me.

"Gin!"

Another hit to my face and searing pain hit me as I heard something snap.

"Oh, look what you did, Gin! You made me hurt you. It hurts, doesn't it?"

He poked my cheekbone. It was broken and I felt tears of pain in my eyes. Hell yes, it hurt! But I didn't move, didn't say anything, did nothing.

"Hmmm, it doesn't look too bad, it'll heal just fine over some time. Now, where were we? Ah, yes..."

He untied my hands and ankles. I couldn't run anyway, there no point in having me tied up like that. He just liked it, the perv. He loved watching me, all sprawled on the bed, covered in blood and bruises.

He flipped me over. My hurt cheek hit the mattrace hard and I let out a gasp. He chuckled, he liked that. He lifted my hips into kneeling position. Without his help, I wouldn't be able to stay like this, so he held me there with one arm, the other fisting himself. I could hear his soft moans, then he spread my legs some more and thrust hard inside. I felt my insides scream in pain, felt the blood that erupted at once and felt his hands on my hips, holding me so tight his nails were digging into my flesh leaving deep bloody scars there.

He started to move and every time he did, my insides exploded with pain. He didn't hold back, he never did. Always burying himself inside completely, always going fast and hard, always coming inside. I dreaded and welcomed his cum at the same time. I dreaded it for the pain and humiliation it brought me. And I welcomed it because it meant it was over for the moment. But not this time. He came three times before he was satisfied. I couldn't move, my body trembled terribly and no matter how I tried, I couldn't stop begging him to stop.

"Gin, my sweet Gin..."

He pulled me into his arms and held me. I cried, I couldn't help it. I just wanted to be held, to feel better... He kissed my hair and whispered into my ear.

"We will always be together, Gin, forever. You won't leave me again, I won't let you. You see, I want you to have my child. I want us to be a family. You and me, together."

He let go of me and got up.

"I will be back later and we can work on our baby some more, Gin. And if you ask me to do it nicely, I may even consider it. Oh and, do wash up, you look disgusting."

He chuckled and left me alone in the dark room. I curled up on my side, feeling his cum trickling out of me and onto my thigh and sheets beneath me. My stomach turned and threw up. I touched my belly, imagining what it would be like to bear a child of this monster...

Hours passed as I lay still, staring into the blackness around me. I finally got up and went to the bathroom. Went is a strong word though. I couldn't stand. I crawled in there, supporting myself against the walls and furniture. I hauled myself up, holding the sink as tightly as my numb fingers could manage and I looked up. When I looked into a mirror, I couldn't recognize the face there. That wasn't me, was it? I looked harder and there I was – under layers and layers of blood, bruises, half healed cuts and broken bones, I was there. My eyes burned and I blinked tears away. When I looked back up, Izuru was looking back at me. He was just like I remembered him from the clearing. Slightly pink cheeks, kind and loving eyes, soft smile...

More tears spilled from my eyes and looked away. The memory brought back another one. The look on his face when he saw me before Urahara's shot. The blank eyes forever staring at me... I looked into the mirror and saw terribly pale dead face with blank eyes, his lips were black, as if he was dead for a long time. His mouth opened and spoke in his voice. I could hear it so clearly...

"It's your fault I am dead, Gin. If I never met you, if you never came back, I would be alive. It was you who killed me."

And I realized the voice was right. It WAS my fault. I was the one who told Aizen about him. I didn't obey Aizen, although it was his only condition for leaving Izuru alone. I ran away and went to him instead into the living world...

Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. I couldn't bear the thought of having a child with Aizen. I wouldn't... I wouldn't... NEVER!

A glass broke when I hit it with my fist. Pieces of it fell on the ground and I slumped beside it, unable to support myself with only one hand. I stared at the pieces. From all of them, dead Izuru's eyes stared at me. I took one in my hand and looked at it.

"I'm sorry, Izuru, I am so sorry."

And with that, I thrust the piece in my belly. He'll never have my baby. Never. I don't know how many times I stabbed myself. The glass cut my hand I was holding it in, but I didn't care. I watched the blood. It soaked the towels on the floor, the rug before the tube and even reached the carpet in the room. I smiled. He'll never hit me again. He'll never HAVE me again. My vision grew darker and the pain stopped. Izuru stood before me just like the day we first met and I went to him...

Hello everybody! Okay, so, here is the next chapter? Did you like it? I guess not so much. I hate it. I hate violence in any kind. But hey, we live in a fucked up world. But don't worry, this is not the end of the story. I have some time these two days, so I finally managed to write down what I carry in my head for so many years. Huh, terrible stuff I carry around in my head, right? Anyway, I'd really appreciate some comments and reviews. And as always, I apologize for any and all mistakes I made, I know there must be many. Thank you for reading. :-) 


	7. In the Living World

**In the Living World (Izuru)**

Something was poking me. And something shone into my eyes. I tried to move, but it hurt, so I just squeezed my eyes shut tighter.

"He's awake!"

My head all but exploded at the shrill loud voice and I heard small feet running away from the room. I groaned. What was going on? Where was I? I tried to open my eyes and had to blink several times to get them working at least a little bit. I tried to move and strong hand pressed me back firmly.

"Don't move, Kira-san. Urahara-sama will be here in a moment."

That voice... I knew that voice... What was his name...?

"Tessai?"

"Yes, you are in Urahara's Shop. Don't move yet, please. You have been wounded. We found you two days ago before the shop on the street. Do you remember anything?"

Wounded? Urahara's Shop? Urahara... Shop... There was something I couldn't remember clearly, something important... Why was I here in the first place? What was I doing in the Living World? I was sure there was something I was supposed to do, something, someone...

"GIN!"

"Ichimaru-chan?"

The shopkeeper, Urahara Kisuke came to the room, wearing his hat and fan as always. His face was grim, somehow scary without his usual grin.

"Kira-chan? What do you remember? Please, tell me everything. Tessai, leave us alone, please."

The big man left and I heard the door slide shut.

"Now, nobody will interrupt us. What you say here won't leave the room, I promise."

I nodded slowly and tried to clear my throat. He helped me sit up a little and I drank some water, spilling more of it on my chest though. He didn't say anything, just cleaned it up.

"I was looking for Gin, Ichimaru-taichou. He..."

"Did he do this to you?"

"NO! He'd never... He... I...

I bit my lip and stopped. I didn't know how much I could tell him. How could I tell him I loved a traitor? My eyes filled with tears and I looked away.

"You love him..."

It wasn't a question. He just stated it with certainty.

"What about him, Izuru? He was here, I know he was. Several times actually. I saw him prowling around many times, thinking how he stalked us. He was here the day we found you. He stole something from my shop, but I found it lying near the place we found you. What happened?"

"I came looking for him here. I didn't know where else to go. I meant to ask you whether you saw him... When I arrived, he was just leaving the shop. I wanted to go to him, but someone hit me, I think..."

I looked at him questioningly.

"Stabbed, actually."

He looked at me worriedly and put a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"Izuru-chan, you have been stabbed in your back. You have lost a lot of blood and it is a miracle you are still alive, but... The would was very close to your spine. I am not sure how much damage it caused. We'll need to wait for the swelling to subside..."

"W-what do you mean? I... I can't walk?"

"Yes. For now anyway."

My head swam and I must have lost consciousness for a bit, because when I opened my eyes again, it was dark outside. Urahara was still sitting beside me though.

"I'm sorry, Izuru. I wish there was a better way to tell you."

I tried to push the thought of me never being able to walk again out of my mind and concentrated on the one that was even more important.

"What of Gin? Where is he?"

"As I said, we only found the thing he stole near you and no signs of him. There was something though..."

He was clearly reluctant to tell me something, so I pushed with my questions some more, until he just sighed and answered.

"A gate to Hueco Munso was opened nearby. Whether he left on his own or was taken, I do not know. It IS possible that he betrayed you..."

"NO!"

I interrupted him again.

"He wouldn't, I know him. The last time I saw him... He was beaten up and ... more. He was running away from there. He wouldn't go back willingly."

"Then he should have come to me at once. Idiot..."

That made me smile despite everything. The mighty captain called an idiot... But I guess he is at times. Especially in times like these, apparently.

"We have to help him, Urahara-sama. We have to get him back."

I was pleading. I didn't care how desperate I sounded or how it must have looked to someone like the shopkeeper. I just had to have him back. I had to save him, no matter the consequences... I just... I had to.

"We'll talk later about this. You have to rest now. Don't try to move, you could damage your back even more if you do."

He made sure I was comfortable enough, then he got up and left.

Days came and went and I was still unable to move. They had to help me to use the bathroom or simply to sit up and feed myself. The swelling subsided eventually, but the damage seemed permanent. I was facing a future in a wheelchair. And there was still no sign of Gin.

Urahara and the others kept me company at all times. Even Ichigo visited. Rather often actually, although he spent most of the time with Urahara. I started to suspect they had a thing going on between them, but nobody talked about it, so I didn't ask. Apart from Ichigo and people from the Shop nobody else knew I was there. I didn't know what was going on in Soul Society, who led the third division now, if they even searched for me... I didn't care about that either. I just wanted to get any news about Gin.

Four weeks in the Urahara's Shop. My health has gotten much better and I could start using a wheelchair to move around on my own. Tessai insisted on accompanying me whenever I wanted to leave the Shop, so I just stayed there, spending most of my time on their yard watching the sky above, wishing I could just fly up and look down at the roofs beneath...

"Kira-san?"

I looked down, blinking few times to adjust my eyes to the darkness after staring at the sun for too long.

"Ururu? What is it?"

"Urahara wants to talk with you."

I nodded and headed inside with her beside me.

"Not here, there..."

She pointed at the door leading to the training ground beneath the Shop. How was I supposed to climb down there? As it turned out, it wasn't as bad as I thought. Urahara must have put there the ramp for my benefit...

"Ah, good, Kira-chan!"

The shopkeeper was smiling at me. Now that I think about it, I don't know what is creepier – him smiling or him without his smile. I looked around and saw few people assembled around a table. Urahara was there, of course, so was Tessai, Jinta, Ururu that came down with me, Ichigo and...

"Yo! Long time no see!"

"Renji..."

I stared at my friend who was smiling back at me.

"Surprise! When I heard what happened, I offered my help."

"So did we."

I turned around to see Matsumoto, Ikkaku and Yumichika standing behind me. My eyes filled with tears again. Damn those eyes...

"Everybody... But... What about your camptains?"

"Screw them! We're here for our friend!"

"I heard that, Matsumoto."

"Eeeh, taicho! Hehe."

I watched in disbelief as three captains stepped towards us. Hitsugaya Toushiro, Kuchiki Byakuya and Zaraki Kenpachi, all prepared for a battle.

"You see, there some people ready to meddle in others' business."

The shopkeeper grinned and helped me get to the table.

And so the planning to get Gin back began...


	8. Where did it go wrong?

**8.****Where did it go wrong? (Aizen)**

The day was dragging on slowly. There were many reports to go over and orders to be given, and then there was the stroll around Hueco Mundo, overseeing the progression of different tasks. And all the while, I couldn't stop thinking about Gin in my bed. I couldn't stop thinking about the perfect plan how to finally make him mine.

Finally, the day was over. I have sent the rest of the arrancars away and entered my room. It was dark inside.

"Gin?"

I called his name, but there was no response. Typical. No matter how much I tried, he kept refusing me. I hoped that killing his precious little Izuru would bring him over to me. I did warn him after all, didn't I? I warned him what will happen if he didn't obey...

"Gin!"

I switched on the lights and looked around. The bed was a mess. It was still all bloody and it looked like there was vomit in it too. Urgh. I'll have to teach Gin a lesson about being a proper housewife. But where the hell was he? My nose suddenly caught a scent of blood and I turned towards the bathroom. It was dark in there too, but in the shadows I saw something glistening on the floor, a shape and...

Blood.

I rushed to the bathroom and flipped the lights. At first, I didn't understand what was going on, then my brain slowly put the image together. Gin was lying on the floor in pool of blood. All around him was broken glass from a mirror that used to be above the sink. The blood was still fresh, it hasn't congealed yet and it was still flowing out from him. That meant...

"GIN! GIN!"

I knelt beside him and checked his pulse. It was barely there, but his heart was still beating. I turned him on his back and saw the wound properly. There were deep gashes in his stomach and belly. He was still clutching a glass shard, deep marks in his palm. I grabbed some towels and pressed them to his belly, trying to stop the bleeding.

"SZAYEL!"

Szayel Aporro Granz was a pain to work with, but if there were anything like a doctor here, it would be him. I called him again until I could hear him answer and hurry toward my room. Then I turned my attention back to Gin.

"What have you done? Gin, for heaven's sake, what have you done?!"

I pressed the towels harder to his wound. I couldn't feel his pulse any more.

"Stay with me, Gin! Damn it, stay with me!"

I felt something snap in my heart. The ice wall I've put up around it was crumbling down...

_I remembered the first time I saw Ichimaru Gin. He was just a kid, all knees and elbows, skinny and intimidating. His eyes was what always unnerved me about him. It was as if he could see things nobody else could, understand things that should be beyond his understanding and know things that he shouldn't. But he never said anything, he always reflected with a joke or simple smile and stare. _

_As he was growing up, he changed only little. He was still skinny and intimidating. He would have been best in the academy, but he was lazy. He knew everything, I was sure of it. I knew he must have known more than the teachers have at some points, but he flunked his finals and didn't seem to care. I tried appeal to him to take the exams again, but he just shrugged it off and wandered around. It took me a long time persuade him to try for captaincy. _

_Somewhere along the way, I fell for the young rebel. I was taught not to give in to my feelings, to use my brain instead of my heart. My father made sure I felt nothing about anyone. But when I was near Gin, my heart was trying to jump out of my chest. But every time I decided to tell him, to try and give in to my feelings for him, he did something, said something, went on a date... And so on and on... I settled for watching him from afar, patiently waiting for my moment. The moment came one day when he was already made a captain. His lifestyle seemed to calm a little bit and I was sure this time I could tell him what plagued me for years... _

_And that day, I called him to my home and talked with him. He was distant, acting strange and out of sorts. So before I told him about my feelings, I asked him what bothered him. And he told me all about his new fukutaichou, Kira Izuru. He was confused. He dated girls before and he was surprised to have such a strong feeling towards another man. If I had been an honest man, I would have tell him to talk to Kira and see if the feeling was mutual. But the man I was, I urged him to hide it, to never tell anybody, that love between two men was wrong, dirty and forbidden. He was broken, but for the first time he listened to me..._

_And so he sealed off his heart and I sealed off mine. If I told him about my feelings there and then, I would be denying what I just told him. I couldn't let that happen. But I couldn't just stay away. The more time we spend time together, the more I saw he was falling for Kira. And all that while, I had been wanting him to be mine._

_My time finally came when I put my plan into motion to leave Soul Society. He refused to go with me. I couldn't believe he simply refused to go and I knew at once why he rejected the offer. He wanted to stay near his fukutaichou. In a moment of pure rage, I threatened him to come with me. Once I used Kira as my leverage, he gave in. I knew he despised me for that, but I didn't care at that time. _

The past flashed before my eyes as I felt him dying in my arms.

Szayel finally arrived with a gasp of horror upon seeing the scene before him.

"W-what happened?"

Even as he asked, he knew. I could see it on his face. The way he looked from Gin to me and back to Gin. He knew what Gin must have done and he knew what drove him to do it.

"Help him."

My voice sounded strange. I could hear myself, but I could hardly recognize the voice that came out. I remember what happened next only partially. I stumbled out of the room, sending in Starrk to help Szayel move Gin's body. When they left with him, I must have cleaned the room. I don't remember doing it, but the sheets were changed and the bathroom was void of all the blood and glass afterwards.

Hours passed and I just sat in my room, watching the shadows move on the walls. Szayel came in some time around dawn. Apparently, he has done what he could for Gin, but he has lost too much blood. The only thing we could do now is wait and see if he survives it. The damage to his stomach and belly was severe. I didn't have to ask to know. Even if he survived and fully recovered, he would never bear children.

I remember getting up and going to the room where Gin was after the surgery. He was so terribly pale. There were tubes and wires and so many other things he was connected to. I sat down on a chair beside him and after that, I don't remember much.

"Sir...? Aizen-sama...?"

Szayel's annoying voice came to me slowly and I opened my eyes.

"What?"

My voice was still strange, but the harsh tone I intended to use was there and that was good enough.

"Um, sir, you should probably go and have a rest. It's been two days, there's no change... I will call you if something changes."

Two days? I shook my head to clear it a little. Ah, right. Gin has tried to kill himself two days ago. Szayel patched him up but the stubborn bastard wouldn't wake up. I looked around the small room, then at myself, my eyes noticing I was still wearing the clothes from two days ago. There were blood stains on it. The memory was slowly coming to me. I haven't left this room in two days...

"If he wakes up..."

"I will come for you immediately."

He finished my sentence and I just nodded and left. It wasn't any good to stay like this. If I did, the arrancars would swoop in take it as a sign of weakness. I had to start going around my business as usual. I walked back to my room, tossed all the clothes in a trash and took a long shower.


	9. Fearless Heart

**9. Fearless Heart (Szayel)**

When I first met Ichimaru Gin, I wasn't impressed. He was slouching around, doing nothing at all, always complaining about things, making fun of others and generally behaving like a first-class jerk. It was clear he didn't want to be here, that he despised Aizen-sama and that he pretty much wanted to have nothing to do with arrancars or even espadas. He took no notice of achievements of others, paid no attention in the meetings and didn't take any part in any planning. I couldn't understand why Aizen would continue to keep a guy like that around, forcing him to attend the meetings and planning, trying to pry some contribution from him. The chances of getting Gin to cooperate were about as big as getting an elephant fly on its own...

Few weeks after Ichimaru entered the Hueco Mundo, he started appearing at the meeting all beaten and clearly uncomfortable. Since he was so popular, many made jokes about him. He never commented, only deflected any questions with jokes and shrugs and easy smile. As weeks passed, rumor started to spread around, that his injuries were the result of Aizen's disciplinary actions. Aizen was always known for ruthlessness towards any of us, but favoured the two shinigami that entered this world with him. At first, I felt satisfaction that Ichimaru was finally getting what he deserved for all his behavior. Every time I saw him after fresh beating, I'd just smirk and continue about my business. I never thought twice about how come Ichimaru isn't learning from all that disciplining, why he continues looking defiantly and proudly at everybody, wearing those bruises and cuts like a badge of honor.

One day though, my views changed when Starrk knocked on my door and asked me to go to Ichimaru's room with him, silently and discreetly, if I please. I saw no reason for doing so, but when first espada tells you to do something, you damn well do it if you wanna stay alive. So I went.

At first, I didn't understand the gruesome scene before my eyes when we opened the door. Ichimaru was curled on a floor, naked, covered only in blood and practically purple from head to toe. The room was a mess, there was broken furniture, torn and bloodied sheets, various objects lay scattered on the floor. There were drops and splashes of blood all around the floor and even on some walls. I just stood there, unable to comprehend what kind of person would do all this. Starrk pushed me inside gently and closed the door, locking them after us. I turned to him questioningly, but he started talking first.

"Will you help him?"

"What happened here? Did Aizen do this? I..."

He cut me off with a wave of his hand and just repeated his question. Starrk was never one to talk too much. I sighed and nodded. Of course I would help him, even though I bore no liking for the man, he wasn't in any state to help himself right now. With Starrk's help, we got Gin into the bathroom and put him into the tube there. I started cleaning him, trying to stop the bleeding during the process. The worst was his torso. He had several broken ribs and angry looking bruises around his stomach and abdomen. If I had to guess, he was kicked many times. As I continued, I came to a dreadful realization, that the man before me was raped and beaten savagely and that this obviously wasn't his first time.

I had to turn away and take few deep breaths, swallowing hard. My stomach threatened to turn and it took all my might to stop it from happening. I am no saint and I don't go far to make experiments on fellow arrancars or hollows. But this... This was just sick.

I returned to the tube and washed him properly, then called Starrk and we got him out, dried him and took him to the bed. While I was washing Gin, Starrk apparently did his best to clean the room and put it in order. There were even clean sheets on the bed and we lay him there. I bandaged his ribcage and arm, stitched numerous cuts that were too deep to heal on their own. I was hesitating for a some time before I left the room quickly, returning with a two salves. One I put on all the bruises to speed up the healing process, the other had to be spread over his entrance. The whole time he was practically unconscious and didn't even wince, but once I touched his bottom, he shivered and tensed up, obviously thinking he was going to be assaulted again. I tried to be as gentle as I could, covering him up quickly once I was done.

I looked over at Starrk who just finished cleaning the bathroom and came out, looking sleepy as always.

"Did you know...?"

He looked at me, considering his answer, then nodded slowly, no emotion showing on his face. He said nothing.

"But... Why? I mean... This is just so... so..."

I couldn't even finish. Just thinking about what Ichimaru must have been going through all this time made me sick again. Starrk came to me and put hand on my shoulder.

"Tea?"

I nodded and let him lead me away. I glanced back on the bed where Gin curled up again under the covers. His eyes were opened and when our eyes met, he whispered weakly "thank you", then closed them again and slipped into uneasy sleep.

I was glad I haven't seen him for next few days, I don't know how I'd react to seeing him again. By the time he appeared at the meetings again, he was looking much better and had his usual smile. When I saw him like that, when I heard him joke around and mock Aizen as if nothing happened, I couldn't help but think he lost his memory, or his mind. That day, I returned to my room, shaking my head in disbelief. I was still thinking about it when somebody knocked on my door lightly. When I opened the door, Gin was standing there.

"May I come in?"

He asked politely though acting as he always did. I let him in and closed the door slowly. He scanned my room for a long time, avoiding looking at me.

"Ichimaru-sama, is... Why..."

He finally turned to me and I could see he was struggling with himself, trying to find the right words. He took a deep breath and started slowly, his voice barely audible.

"Szayel, I... I wanted to thank you and to apologize..."

I stared at him. Of all things I expected him to say, this wasn't on the list. I started to gather breath to reply, but he shook his head lightly and continued, his voice gaining some confidence.

"I wanted to apologize for how I treated you before. You... You really helped me and you had no reason to. I appreciate that, I really do."

He paused, taking another deep breath, then he looked away and spoke again.

"What you saw... There is no point in telling anybody. You understand that, right? He won't stop."

I gulped and nodded and let him continue.

"I know I am in no position to ask any favours from you, but... If you could keep it just between us, I would be very grateful. If you don't, well, it doesn't really matter, I guess."

"Why is he doing this to you?"

I couldn't help it, I had to ask. I wanted to understand, wanted to know. He just smiled, genuine amused smile and shrugged.

"Who knows? He's a madman after all."

I watched him. He knew he was going to receive the same treatment from Aizen again and he accepted the fate. He was crazy...

"I can see what you are thinking and let me assure you, I'm not mad."

"Then why don't you leave?"

"Would that I could. Unfortunately, I cannot. There is something, someone, that would be in danger if I did. I can't get that person to safety even if I did leave. For all I know, he hates me now anyway..."

For the first time since meeting him, I saw pain in his eyes. Whoever he was talking about, he must have really loved that person. Love so much he would risk his own safety, dignity and even life, to protect the person. I was positive he was mad, but even if he was, this made me admire him deeply.

We didn't talk much after that. As weeks passed, I saw him get beaten many times again. When I saw him like that, I slipped him some of the salves I used before. Starrk would come fetch me whenever Aizen overdid it and Gin was in such a bad shape he would need help. We always helped and always left him afterward. Months passed in this terrible routine. Until one day. The day that Ichimaru Gin finally left this place. When I heard from Starrk about it, I couldn't help but cheer for him. I hoped he had plan, that he would be able to protect the person he loved and find a place where they could live without the threat of Aizen finding them.

But as good as it sounded, it wasn't going to last.

Gin was brought back few months after he escaped. Personally, I was amazed how he managed to avoid being caught up until now. But after so long, I simply started to think he'd never be found again. And then they dragged back him here. I sneaked in to visit him in his cell, tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't even move. His eyes were empty and lifeless. The defiance and pride that was there was gone. Even the pain he hid so well was gone. Everything. He was like a shell, barely living even.

Later on, he was moved to Aizen's room and that was it. Nobody dared to say a single thing, nobody questioned the move. Nobody helped him... I hated myself for not being able to help. I was so frustrated that I took it out on Starrk, challenging him to do something. Looking back, I wouldn't be surprised if he simply yawned and killed me on spot. But he didn't. He let me rant about the unfairness of it all, about Aizen being the worst thing that happened to this world, about everything and nothing. And in the end, he made me a cup of tea and stayed with me till I calmed down.

When I was called by Aizen to his room, I feared the worst, but nothing could have prepared me for what I saw there. Upon seeing Gin's body on the bathroom floor, I was sure he was dead.

"W-what happened?"

Of course I knew, I wanted him to admit it, I wanted him to admit he was responsible for this. I would have screamed at him and probably even challenge him to fight right there if Starrk didn't arrive and started organizing everything. We moved Gin's body to my lab and with Starrk's help, I managed to close all wounds. Even with all my skills, I wasn't sure he would survive. I left the room where we put Gin after the surgery and almost bumped into Aizen. He looked... well, terrible. I planned to tell him few well-chosen words, but seeing him like that, I didn't. I couldn't. The man I came to hate and despise was broken, asking about Gin's condition and if he'd make it. As much as I wanted to hurt him, I didn't think I could hurt him more than he was right now.

It was strange to see him like this, it was surreal, really. But there he was, sitting by Gin's bed even two days later, still in the clothes he wore the day Gin tried to kill himself. I knew he hasn't eaten the whole time, barely slept at all and drank only water that I brought him. Starrk told me he was sure Aizen was in love with Gin, but didn't know how to show it, so he did the exact opposite. He didn't say it in so many words, but the meaning was there. I wasn't willing to forget all the things he had done just because I knew why. But I had to admit, Starrk had a point and as much as I wished to strangle him, I brought him the stupid water.

After two days, I finally managed to send Aizen away and sat by Gin's bed. The man that I knew, that I came to respect and admire, one that had a fearless heart and easy smile with many jokes at hand, that man was now lying in front of me, broken beyond words. I heard what happened in the human world and was sure that if Ichimaru ever woke up, he'd attempt to take his life again anyway.

I sat there for a long time, just watching over him. Days passed, I was tending his wounds and doing my best to keep him alive but he never woke up. Days became weeks and there was still no sign of him regaining his consciousness. Aizen came by every day. He still held meetings and planned things, but he wasn't his old self. After every meeting, he'd come to Gin's room and sat by his side for hours before leaving late in the night. He even helped me wash him and dress him, he talked to him quietly, kissed his forehead every night when he was leaving... But Gin remained silent and still.


	10. Through the Void

**10. ****Through the Void (Gin)**

I woke up into complete darkness. I tried to blink my eyes few times to adjust them but I still saw only black. Was I standing or sitting? Or maybe lying? I tried to figure it out, but I couldn't. There was a strange sense of weightlessness, as if I was floating. It was calming somehow. I was alone and safe. I closed my eyes and relaxed.

Years could have passed and I wouldn't have noticed. I didn't care for noticing, really. Behind my closed eyes, I started to see faces, people without names drifting through mist. I don't know when I noticed him first. A young man's face appeared in the distance, his eyes tired and sad. The face haunted me for a long time. I was sure I knew him, but couldn't remember his name or where I knew him from. Days must have passed before I saw him again. I tried to reach out for him, to call him, but I couldn't move and no sound escaped my lips. Time passed by and I came to hope for any chance to see him again.

I started to think about him and about the other faces as well. Where did I know them from? Who were they and why couldn't I talk to them? And… Who was I? I found myself wondering, unable to answer myself. What was my name and why was I here? From time to time, I heard voices talking to me or to each other, although I couldn't make out any words in particular. At least I think they were talking to me. I could recognize three voices. One of them always made me want to get as far away as possible. It was a strange feeling. I knew I couldn't move, but whenever I heard that voice, I shut my eyes tight and tried not to shiver.

Seeing some of the faces regularly, hearing those voices, something started to wake up in me. I came to realize my name was Gin. I started to remember some pieces from the past…

_I was a scrawny kid, all elbows and knees, my clothes always torn. How old was I? Seven? Ten? Something like that. I was hungry, so hungry it made my head spin. I was sitting on the ground in some back alley, sorting through a heap of things I'd stolen that day. Most of it was worthless, so I threw it away and kept only what could have been exchanged for some food. Food was scarce here, wherever "here" was._

More memories of my childhood flashed before my eyes, and then a man appeared…

"_Aizen-sama, what do you want to do with this thief?"_

_The man that caught me was large and strong. He had the black robes of a shinigami. The other man looked down at me. He was young and had a smile on his face, glasses framed his warm brown eyes._

"_Let him go."_

_I looked up in surprise. Thieves, when unlucky enough to get caught, weren't treated with anything but loathing around here. But he just smiled and I smiled back. He was the very first person to show me kindness in this world._

That memory stirred something in me. I remembered his name. Aizen. Aizen Sousuke. I remembered I followed him for some time before he took me in and brought me up. Memories of that part of my life were good. Aizen was good to me and I did everything to repay him in kind.

More memories flooded my brain…

_I was accepted to the Academy. I was so proud and I couldn't wait to tell Aizen all about it! I ran home and was about to open the door to his study when I heard him arguing with someone._

"_It's none of your business! Just get out of my house already. Gin will be here soon, I don't want him to see you."_

_Aizen's voice was off-balance. I'd never heard him talk like this to anyone._

"_Remember who you are talking to, boy. For the last time, I am warning you, Sousuke, if you continue disobeying me, I will finish what I should have done years ago."_

_The other man was speaking calmly, but even through the door I could feel he was very intimidating. I hid in the closet and concealed my reiatsu just as Aizen had taught me. They stepped outside the office and headed to the front door. I tried to look at the man properly, but he had his back to me. He was huge and old, he looked familiar. Then he turned as he spoke to Aizen again._

"_And get rid of that boy, he'll be nothing but trouble."_

_I recognized the man. He was Commander Yamamoto. And he was talking about me, I realized. I leaned a little further to look at Aizen's face but it was unreadable now._

"_On that we agree. But I shall keep him by my side anyway. You can kill me if you want, but I will not let you harm him."_

_I gasped. I have never expected something like this. He was willing to die for me? For ME? I felt tears spring up and hot anger threatened to burst through at the thought that someone would dare to even think of killing him._

_Aizen looked in my direction and I quickly backed further into the closet. The other man left after that without another word. I tried to keep still but Aizen just came right over and opened the closet, his eyes meeting mine. I felt more tears spill out of my eyes and quickly wiped them away with my sleeve._

"_You ARE trouble, Gin, that is for sure. You were not supposed to see or hear any of this. Just what am I going to do with you?"_

_He smiled and took my hand, helping me get up from the floor on which I was still sitting. He pulled me up and out of nothing, he embraced me. For a moment, my heart stopped from being so close to him so suddenly. He had never really shown any kind of emotion towards me, or anybody for that matter. It felt warm and good; I wished I could stay like this forever. But all too soon, he kissed my forehead and let go of me. I felt my cheeks burn up and looked down quickly. I was embarrassed to feel this way. So I quickly retreated to my room and thought nothing of it._

Looking back at that memory, I remembered the feelings I had for Aizen. It made my heart ache even now. For a long time, he was the only good person in my life. He was my father, my best friend and my idol. I looked up to him, doing everything I could to please him, to show him how much he means to me. It didn't take long and I was made a captain of my own gotei. That was a great achievement and I remember I wanted to celebrate it with Aizen. I wanted to tell him what I felt for him since that day he found me in the closet.

_I was living on my own for few years already, I had few friends and life was good. That is, if he wasn't already distancing himself from me. I tried to reach him several times but without success. He was always busy with something or somewhere. We rarely saw each other these days._

Few more memories flashed by and then I saw the stranger's face… The memory of the meeting was seared to my brain and my heart.

_I was sitting in my office, stacks of paperwork in front of me. I was swamped by the papers. I hated the paperwork that came with being a captain. I didn't really want to be a captain and I didn't apply for the position when it opened. I didn't want to be the leader, I didn't want to have the responsibility for my subordinates. And most of all, I didn't want the paperwork… So, I requested a new fukutaichou. And he was coming today._

_I looked at all the papers again and sighed. Maybe I should do at least some of them..._

"_I-Ichimaru-t-taichou…?"_

_A timid voice woke me up and I slowly blinked my eyes open a little._

"_Hmm?"_

"_I… I was s-sent here… My name is Kira Izuru."_

_Ah, right, my new fukutaichou. I sat up on the couch. In the end, I decided to take a nap instead of the paperwork, so there…_

"_T-taichou…?"_

_The young man was looking at me strangely. Maybe he thought I was drunk. I had to smirk at that and he took a step back. Poor kid, he seemed so shy. I looked up at him and our eyes met for the first time. And at that moment, I swear I could feel myself fall for the blond haired man immediately and completely._

I replayed that memory over and over, my heart aching terribly. I was missing something, something important, something painful.

I opened my eyes and looked around. The mist-like people were still there, closer than ever. I searched through them until my eyes found Izuru. I watched him and memories rushed back all at once. Everything I felt, everything I went through, everything that happened… Izuru… My Izuru was dead and I…

My last moments finally came back to me and I remembered the broken mirror, the piece of glass and Izuru's eyes. I remembered the pain and how it felt when the blood flowed freely out of me. I frowned as I remembered sharp light hitting my eyes just as I was about to embrace Izuru. Someone was calling my name, pulling me away from the death I wanted so much. Was I dead now? I saw Izuru, didn't I? So I had to be dead… But then… I looked around again and saw faces of people I knew, people that weren't dead, as far as I knew. Maybe I was dead for a long time now and Aizen finally managed to take over the world…? Anger boiled in my veins at the thought. I found Izuru's face again and I tried to move towards him. Nothing.

I watched him and my vision blurred as another memory surfaced.

"_I love you."_

_I whispered the words to him for the first time. I didn't know what would happen afterwards, I didn't care. All I wanted was to be honest for the first time since I met him. The moment the words left my lips, I felt so foolish, so stupid, so afraid. I wanted to run away, but I stayed and met his eyes._

_He leaned closer and kissed me softly. So softly I could hardly feel it, but it was there. I put my arms around him and held him close for a long time. I didn't want to let go, I wanted to hear him say what he felt…_

I sighed as my vision cleared again. That was our first kiss and first and last night together. We had loved each other for such a long time and we were both so foolishly stubborn to admit it. And now, Izuru was out of my reach. If I was dead, this must have been what hell looks like. Is this how it was going to be? Seeing him so close but never being able to touch him, to talk to him?

I closed my eyes again and embraced the darkness. No more memories haunted me for a long time…

"Wake up! Gin, you have to wake up!"

I heard a voice from a great distance. I understood what he was saying. I recognized the voice, it was Szayel. He was shouting, I think.

"Gin, for goodness sake, you MUST wake up!"

Why the hell should I? I am dead, leave me alone! I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, refusing to open them.

"Starrk, what are we going to do? If he doesn't wake up, they're gonna destroy the whole place!"

"Are you sure he is able to wake up?"

"Yes! There's nothing wrong with him. Well, apart the obvious, but still. From medical point of view, he's fine."

Huh? What were they talking about? What did they mean by "they're gonna destroy the whole place"? Was I not dead? I was tempted to open my eyes and look what's going on, but then I remembered Izuru's face. Maybe I'm not able to touch him or talk to him here, but at least I can see him. And if I wasn't dead, I must be in a coma or something like that and eventually, I could die and be with him, right? That's what I wanted after all…

The voices continued talking but I ignored them. I was thinking. What if… What if I did wake up and took revenge on Aizen? If I could take him down with me, I didn't care whether I'd live or die. If I lived, I'd make sure the bastard was dead and then I'd make sure nobody would find me this time…

I slowly opened my eyes and blinked them several times. The light blinded me for a moment.


	11. Rainy Days

**11. ****Rainy Days (Izuru)**

The hot summer days were over and I was sitting in my room, watching the weather outside. Rain was pouring down the windows; wind was making the whole house creak and moan. I watched as the rain drops made their way down the glass, it was as if the window was crying. I touched the cold glass lightly and realized that I myself was crying too.

I felt light draft on my cheeks and turned towards the door that slid opened.

"Rangiku…"

My friend stopped in the door, then looked at me and smiled before coming over.

"Hello Izuru. How are you?"

I just smiled. It didn't matter what I'd say, she could see right through me. Rangiku smiled again and slid the door closed after her as she stepped inside and came to me.

"We'll be leaving for Hueco Mundo tomorrow at dawn…"

I looked up quickly.

"Tomorrow? Really?"

I tried not to sounds too eager, but I failed terribly. It's been few weeks since my friends and some captains came to help get Gin back. We had a good plan within few days and from there, we were waiting. I didn't know what for exactly, but Urahara seemed to be sure we have to wait, so we waited. At first, I argued with him, that the longer we wait, the lower chance we have of finding Gin alive. Rangiku and Renji agreed, but after being called hot-heads for fiftieth time, they gave up and eventually, so did I. In the end, I just closed myself in my room and spend most of the time there. I learned to move around in the wheelchair pretty well, but it was still so hard to adjust…

"Are you listening to me, Izuru?"

Rangiku's voice wasn't mocking or angry. She was concerned. I wanted to tell her that I'm fine, that she doesn't need to worry, but instead, I felt fresh tears spring up and I looked down.

She sighed lightly and hugged me.

"It's going to be alright, Izuru, you'll see. This time tomorrow, you'll be together."

I tried to nod, but I only felt more tears. She stayed like that for a long time, holding me, trying to soothe me by saying how everything will be good. After some time, I finally found my voice again and said out loud what was haunting my thoughts ever since I woke up after being injured.

"W-will he even w-want me, l-like this?"

She looked into my eyes and shook her head.

"Silly Izuru… How can you ask that? Of course he'll want you. He loves you just as much as you love him."

She smiled her usual playful smile and kissed my forehead.

"I knew you two were in love long before you knew it yourselves. Now I just wish I forced you to realize it sooner…"

I shook my head.

"Forcing us wouldn't do the trick."

I couldn't help but smile at her. She always found a way to make us all feel better.

"Thank you, Rangiku."

"What for, silly?"

"For calling me silly."

She laughed and looked around. The weather outside was still as bad as before.

"Let's go for walk!"

"WHAT?!"

I wasn't sure I heard her right. Walk? In that kind of weather?

"Come on, it'll be fun! You need to get out!"

"I don't need to catch a cold though."

"Nonsense! Let's go!"

She didn't give me another chance to protest, just threw some blankets at me, then grabbed the wheelchair and started pushing it outside. She was talking nonstop about everything and everybody, laughing, making jokes, planning parties… She was being herself and I was grateful.

In the first few days after arriving to Urahara's Shop, she was quiet and avoided being alone with me. She never laughed, as if laughing was forbidden around me. Most of the people were behaving that way and it was so awfully tense and strange. The more they silently pitied me, the more I wished I died on the day Aizen took Gin. Maybe they realized it, maybe someone told them to stop, but slowly, they all started behaving the way they usually did. The first time I heard Rangiku's laugh again was the best day in a long time.

She continued blabbing something, we were soaked to the bone already, but she kept walking down the deserted streets. And then she suddenly stopped and I looked up to see what made her stop so abruptly. Two men were standing in a dark corner, hiding from the street lamps and the rain. They seemed to be arguing quietly about something, then bigger of the two pinned the other to the wall and kissed him fiercely. The smaller one didn't seem to mind though, his arms quickly wrapping around the other's neck. I felt my cheeks burning up and was about to look away when the two men let go of off each other and stepped into light…

"Rangiku, stop it already!"

We were back in my room and she wouldn't stop giggling. I was still blushing when I remembered the two and she wasn't helping at all. I finished another cup of sake and felt it warming my frozen bones. I felt the urge of giggling too and didn't stop it this time.

"Good for both of them. Still, it's quite an unexpected pair, don't you think?"

Rangiku mused, still genuinely happy. I couldn't but agree.

"Yes. But we must not tell anyone, do you understand? Rangiku, I mean it, no gossiping, alright? If they wanted it public, they wouldn't be hiding like this."

I couldn't help but blush again. We obviously weren't supposed to see that.

"I know, I know. I don't even wanna imagine what either of them would do to us if they knew we were there!"

She shuddered slightly and I understood why. After all, you don't usually have to face the wrath of two captains at once, especially when those two are none other than Kuchiki Byakuya and Zaraki Kenpachi…

Rangiku left about an hour later, slightly drunk and quite sleepy. We agreed never to talk about what we saw to anyone…

I felt anxious and nervous and happy and worried, all at the same time. I couldn't sleep that night, no matter how much I tried. In the morning, everybody would go to Hueco Mundo, to get Gin back. Everybody except me. I would just be an easy target if I went, so I was supposed to wait till they gotten back.

I've gotten up early, dressed and help prepare the breakfast for everybody. To my surprise, Yumichika was already up too and didn't look like preparing to leave. By the end of the breakfast, it was clear he was staying behind as well. He seemed angry about it though he didn't say anything and kept avoiding everybody's curious glances. When everybody assembled in the training room before the gate that Urahara constructed, Yumi stayed far away, watching them silently. I couldn't help but follow his gaze that was fixed on Ikkaku. The bald man was moving little stiffly, obviously aware of Yumi's stare. We said our goodbyes, wished them luck and then watched them as one by one disappeared in the gate.

The moment the gate closed after them and we were alone, Yumichika sank to the floor, covering his eyes in silent sobs. It startled me to see him like this. I've seen many faces of this man but not once I saw him like this. I could imagine what it was like for him to stay behind and let Ikkaku go alone into the danger. After all, it was a public knowledge the two of them were together for years. Everybody was used to seeing them always together. They faced many battles side by side, always fighting for each other, always winning together. Where was one, was almost always the other. It was strange to see them apart.

"Yumi…?"

I moved the wheelchair to him and touched his shoulder gently. He just stopped shaking and looked up, his face just as beautiful as ever.

"I wanted to go, Izuru, I wanted to go so much… Now he's alone out there… What if… What if he…"

He didn't finish, he didn't have to. I knew the feeling; I knew exactly what he was thinking about. And I had absolutely no idea what to tell him.

"I… I'm sure he'll be alright, Yumi."

He nodded silently and looked down for a moment. He slowly unwrapped his arms from around his stomach and I noticed he didn't have his robes fastened as tightly as usually.

"Yumi…? Is that… Are you…"

He nodded again, then finally broke the silence.

"Yes. Nobody else knows, Izuru. Please don't tell anyone yet."

He looked up and met my eyes. I found out only few days ago. Only Ikkaku and Urahara know, and now you."

He bit his lip and touched his belly gingerly.

"I don't know what to do, Izuru…"

He whispered the last few words and now I understood completely. He couldn't go back to Soul Society like this and if he stayed out here, it would be just as challenging, if not more so.

"What about Ikkaku? What does he say to that?"

He smiled at the mention of his name and put his whole palm on his belly as if wanting to feel the life growing there.

"He wants to keep it, of course. He wants us to stay here, in this world, to have a family… Do you think it's possible? To live here? To leave Soul Society?"

He sounded casual and spoke carefully, but his eyes betrayed how much he wanted to believe it was possible. He said he didn't know what to do, but right there, in his eyes, was written the truth. He wanted to stay; he wanted the family Ikkaku was telling him about. He was just so afraid that cannot have it.

"Yes, I believe it will be possible. And Yumi, congratulations!"

He smiled again, this time more happily.

"Thank you, Izuru. I'm sorry for dumping all this on you when you have your own troubles now."

"Hey, that's okay. We're friends, aren't we? And you both came here to help me and … and Gin."

I stopped talking, feeling my throat tighten.

"He'll be alright too. They will ALL come back, you'll see."

He tried to cheer me up and I returned the favour by getting us both some tea and snacks. And then we waited, watching the gate in silence, glancing at each other supportively from time to time.

When the gate opened again, my heart stopped…


	12. Bittersweet

**12.****Bittersweet (Gin)**

At first, I was confused. The light was blinding me to the point I thought for a moment that I really lost my sight. I was lying on my back and I couldn't move. There were two reasons for that. First, I seemed to be strapped to the bed; and second, my muscles hurt. I tried to say something, but my throat was sore and nothing came out of it. Hmmm, this was too much like the "dream".

"W-wa… ter…"

"Szayel! He's awake!"

"Goodness! Gin, Gin, listen, stop struggling, you're safe, shhh… Shit! Starrk, help me!"

I felt strong hands on my shoulders, pressing me down. I only now realized I was trying to get out of the restrains, so I relaxed and let them push me down. Somebody dimmed the lights, probably Szayel. My vision started to clear and I could focus again.

"Gin…? Can you hear me?"

I nodded slowly and turned my head to look at Szayel. He looked relieved.

"Good. How do you feel? … Umm, that's probably wrong question… Okay, do you know where you are?"

Nod.

"Do you know why you are here?"

The question came slow and careful. I nodded, my eyes steady.

"We don't have time for this, Szayel. If he's alright, let's get him out of here."

"It's too soon, Starrk, we can't…"

I interrupted them with croaking voice.

"Unfasten me."

I realized it sounded more like a command and added "please".

Szayel looked from Starrk to me, clearly troubled.

"You're not strong enough yet, Gin."

He protested even while loosening the belts that held me to the bed. Once he was done, he helped me sit. My head spun and I had to steady myself by leaning on a night table beside the bed. I tried to stand up. My legs gave up under me immediately and Starrk had to catch me, looking unfazed as ever. I tried again, pouring all my will and energy into it. It worked, I was standing on my own. Few minutes later, I was able to make few shaky steps, supporting myself against the walls. Szayel gave me clothes and helped me dress. I noticed deep scars on my wrists and stomach and quickly covered them.

Once I was decent again, I was given a glass of water. It helped my sore throat. Szayel was explaining meanwhile what was happening while I was in a coma, finishing by telling me that a group of shinigami has broken into Hueco Mundo, calling my name and killing everything that stood in their way. I could hardly believe what I was hearing. But it didn't matter. Whatever they wanted with me, it would have to wait…

"Where's he?"

Szayel looked up quickly, then just as quickly looked away and remained silent. Starrk studied me for some time before answering.

"His study. He doesn't know about the invasion yet. I was supposed to deliver the message, but I seem to be "engaged otherwise" for now."

I nodded my thanks and headed out slowly. I still didn't know what I'd do once I saw him, I didn't have any weapon and I was barely able to stand on my own, but I continued onwards. The corridors were deserted; everybody was sleeping or fighting outside. I heard Szayel arguing with Starrk about pointing me into the right direction, but I shut that off and focused on the path before me.

I arrived at the huge assembly room and my eyes automatically found the huge throne on which Aizen sat often. Slight movement caught my eyes and I turned to realize I wasn't alone in there. Grimmjaw stood by the window like a silent sentinel and he was watching me now with those sapphire eyes. For a moment, he seemed surprised to see me, then he concealed his surprise and nodded at me. And then he turned to watch the battle outside, ignoring my presence.

I guess my condition and what got me into it was a public knowledge after all. I muttered my thanks and continued slowly across the room, stopping before the door to Aizen's study. My hands were shaking when I remembered all the things that I had to endure in there, but few deep breaths later, I opened the door and stepped in.

The shock in his eyes was saying it all. He just sat there, staring at me in disbelief. Then he jumped up and before I could react, he embraced me tightly, holding me to his chest. The memory of him doing this after he found me in the closet surfaced again and with it all the emotions I buried so deep inside so long ago. I swallowed hard and hesitantly lifted my arms, embracing him back.

We stood there for long minutes in utter silence before he finally let go of me and took a step back. Our eyes met and a sudden urge wanted me to kiss him, to let him embrace me again, to be held and told everything would be alright. For a brief moment, I wanted to turn back time and be the young man again. And then the moment was gone and I stood there, silver letter opener in my hand, blood dripping from it…

He broke our eye contact and looked slowly down at his robe where a large dark patch was forming, blood flowing quickly from the deep wound near his heart. He looked back up at me and smiled. Then he staggered and I caught him before he fell and lowered him down slowly, sitting with his dying body in my lap. I knew he could regenerate, but right in that moment, I was somehow sure he won't do it.

"I'm glad it's you, Gin."

I looked at him, frowning.

"What do you mean?"

"I always knew I'd get what was coming, I'm just glad it's by your hand."

"Shut up."

"Why? Am I not allowed to speak now? You think that just because it's you, I'd obey?"

"Shut up!"

"And if I don't? Will you kill me twice?"

"SHUT UP!"

I looked down at my hand and let the opener fall out of it. The blood was all over my fingers and up to my wrist. It started to dry and it was sticky. The smell of blood made me sick, but I stayed.

"I loved you, Gin, I always loved you."

I clenched my fists and kept looking away.

"First, I loved you as a son I knew I'll never have. Then you grew up and I really fell in love with you. Funny how I could never say this before…"

He mused and my eyes stung. I blinked them few times and tears spilled out.

"Gin…?"

"Why have you never told me before?! Why were you waiting till now to tell me? Why did you do all THAT to me?"

I faced him again, tears blurring my vision. I was angry, so angry. I felt betrayed. My heart hurt as if it was breaking again. And he was silent. I looked down. He was pale. Pool of blood was all around us, staining my clothes with crimson blotches.

"Aizen?"

Nothing.

"Sousuke?"

Still nothing.

I listened carefully. His heartbeat was slow and shallow, pumping the rest of the blood out of him. I bent over and hugged him tightly, burying my face in his neck the way I wanted so many times when I was young and in love; before he started pushing me away and I turned my eyes away, wandering the shinigami world alone until I met Izuru…

"I loved you too, Sousuke."

I kissed his cold lips and let go of him. Then I pushed his body off my knees and got up, taking the opener once again in my sticky hands. There was only one thing left to do now. Nobody would get me alive. I had an important meeting with my Izuru in the land beyond this one. I turned to leave the room. If I was to die, it'd be somewhere else. I reached for the door.

"He's not dead."

The words were mere whisper, his voice was strange and he was gasping for breath. But it was enough to make me stop and turn back to him. I was sure he'd die in few moments and I didn't think he had it in him to speak anymore. Yet, he did.

"I saw him. He's not dead, they saved him. Kira Izuru is alive."

He paused, closing his eyes for a moment to steady himself.

"Go get him, Gin. Don't throw away your life again. And… I'm sorry."

And with that, I felt his life force slip away and he was dead. I watched his form for a long time. The man that spared my life more than once, who raised me, gave me everything, who loved me and whom I loved back, was now dead, slain by my own hand. And in his last moments, he chose to show some kindness after so long and for the last time. The opener fell from my hand once more and I stumbled out of the room.

What happened next is just a blurred and confused memory. Shinigamis have fought their way to the throne room where they found me sitting on the throne, my clothes and hands covered in blood. Starrk and Szayel were in the room too and I vaguely remember telling them to leave… The last thing I remember was asking if Izuru was really alive and to spare the lives of those that were still alive in Hueco Mundo. Then we were at a gate and we were crossing it. My eyes felt heavy and I kept them opened only long enough to see Izuru's face as we emerged from the gate in the Living world…


	13. Reunion

**13.****Reunion (Izuru)**

When the gate opened and I saw Gin's body covered in blood and being dragged between Urahara and Ikkaku, my heart stopped for a moment and I thought I was going to black out. I felt Yumichika's hand quickly squeezing my own. I knew he was trying hard not to jump up and run to Ikkaku. He was trying because of me. I couldn't turn my eyes away no matter how much I wanted to.

"He's fine."

I don't know who said the words, but they made me immediately snap out of the trance I was in. I quickly swallowed the lump in my throat and shook my head, then I wiped the tears that threatened to erupt once more and took better look at Gin. There seemed to be no injuries that would bleed.

"W-what happened?"

I realized my voice was barely audible and repeated the question.

"Later, Izuru, I'll tell you later. Let us put him into bed and examine him,okay?"

It was Urahara issuing the others. I obeyed, of course. What could I do anyway? It had to be enough that he was back and he was alive. I followed them as closely as I could, only half noticing the happy reunion between Ikkaku and Yumichika. It was only few hours for them and yet they were both so obviously dying to be alone again. I wondered what it'll be like when Gin woke up. The dread of him refusing me now that I couldn't walk returned quickly and I had to dig nails in my palms to stop myself from screaming in pain that suddenly stabbed my heart at the thought.

When Gin was put to bed and Urahara confirmed he had no new injuries, I was taken to the kitchen and told what happened in Hueco Mundo during the battle. I was a little confused about Kisuke's emphasizing the "new injuries", but I dismissed it. I saw the scars on Gin's body before and I could only imagine there would be few more. I cursed my imagination at that. The last thing I wanted was to imagine in how much pain he must have been when he was there for such a long time…

I learned how they found Aizen dead in his office and Gin covered in his blood. Apparently, Gin also confirmed to kill the man before he passed out. There were many questions that needed answering but they had to wait till Gin woke up and answered them. What was surprising was the fact that there was only little of opposition from the arrancars and espadas. But why that was, nobody could answer.

After the briefing I was finally allowed to be by Gin's side, though I was not to wake him up. I got to his room and slid the door shut, cutting off all the noise from the rest of the house. He was finally back. I stopped the wheelchair beside his bed and touched the back of his hand lightly. It was cold and the skin was almost transparent, the bones visible horribly. I took his hand and pressed my forehead against it, desperately wanting to touch him after so long. His hand trembled a little, as if wanting to move but unable to. I stayed in his room the whole night. In the morning, Urahara agreed to move Gin's bed to my room, so I could get some rest as well while still staying near him.

Gin hasn't woken the next day, not even the day after. Two weeks passed and he was still unconscious. The first time I helped wash him, my hands shook so bad I couldn't hold the sponge properly. And when I saw the deep scars on his belly and wrists and Urahara confirmed it was self-inflicted, I had to leave the room for a while. I couldn't imagine what he had to go through to do something like that to himself. Kisuke said the scars would never heal properly and they will be always this visible. It seemed like he had them already for some time and he was well taken care of, but it wasn't enough. In the following days, I insisted on taking care of him by myself. It wasn't easy, but eventually, I found a good routine that was easy enough without straining my back too much.

The captains left in few days with most of the others following them. Only Yumichika stayed for now. I saw him and Ikkaku talking with Zaraki for a long time in the garden. They had to tell him about Yumi's pregnancy and their plan to leave Soul Society. Since it was easier said than done, they needed help and while someone could think that Zaraki would be the last person where to look for help, he surprised everybody by coming up with a plan how to get them away safely. That meant that Yumi had to stay in the living world for now and Ikkaku had to go back and act normal. From the day that Ikkaku left, Yumichika was keeping to himself mostly and hardly was the old self. Until a black butterfly flew into his window, bringing him a message from his lover. I think I've never actually seen Yumi this happy. He was practically bouncing up and down all around the house. I seriously admired Ikkaku for being able to manage him. But in the end, it was a good distraction from all the heavy thoughts that were on my mind.

Almost three weeks passed and Gin was without change. Kisuke said that there was nothing really wrong with him, so maybe he just needed to rest for a bit. And so we waited…

"Iz… Izuru?"

I was sitting by Gin's bed as usually, my head rested on his hand. The whisper was so soft I wasn't sure if I didn't imagine it. But I still looked up and there he was… His eyes were opened and fixed on me.

"Gin! Oh my God! Gin!"

"Izuru… You're alive…"

I frowned at the obvious and then I remembered the last time we saw each other. I was just stabbed and dying on the ground before Urahara's Shop. The last thing Gin saw was me bleeding out all alone…

"Yes, yes, I am. Oh, Gin…"

I couldn't continue. My throat tightened and I felt hot tears running quickly down my cheeks.

"Don't cry, Izuru. My beautiful Izuru…"

He smiled lightly and I couldn't help but smile through the tears as well.

"I c-can't s-stop."

I heard my shaky voice and the hiccups and I laughed, bringing more tears into my eyes.

"Can I kiss you?"

He nodded and I leaned over, kissing his lips lightly. He lifted his hand and stroked the side of my face, touching it as if not believing I was there and afraid the illusion will disappear if he's not careful enough. More tears spilled from my eyes and he wiped them away.

"You're alive…"

He repeated the words over and over and tears of his own broke free. We stayed there, like two fools, crying and afraid to touch some more while desperately wanting to embrace. But I wasn't sure if I should try to move him, so I let him stay lying on his back.

He broke free first and managed to sit up. I moved more pillows behind his back to make him more comfortable and he just smiled and watched me. I felt my cheeks burning up under his gaze.

"W-what? Do I have something on my face?"

I tried to brush off anything that might have gotten his attention, but he just smiled and shook his head.

"No. Can't I simply look at you? … I missed you so much, Izuru. I thought I lost you…"

I bit my lip and my eyes automatically slipped towards his wrist where the scars were visible now. He jerked the hand back quickly and covered the scars with long sleeve, looking away.

"Did… Did you…"

I couldn't finish, but I didn't have to. He nodded slowly, still looking away.

"Yes."

It was a dry statement but it hurt so much to hear it.

"Gin…"

I touched his shoulder, then I lifted his chin to face me again.

"Gin, I have to tell you something too…"

I whispered, gathering all my courage to tell him about the injury and how it changed my life. I tried to put it into a sentence, but then I just moved the chair away from the bed, letting him see it properly. He didn't understand at first and then it dawned on him and I could see him feeling the same pain as I did when I saw all his scars. Pain that cannot be described other than someone crushing your heart in ice-cold fist. It's a pain that makes you unable to breathe or speak or cry. It's a pain that is invisible but so crippling in itself that you wish you could die. It's a pain you feel when your heart is breaking, either because of someone or for someone.

"It's my fault…"

I stared in shock at him and then quickly crossed the distance again, grabbing him by both shoulders.

"No, it's not! Do you hear me, Gin? It's not your fault!"

"Yes, it is! If I didn't come back to Soul Society and dragged you into all this, if…"

"If you never came back, I'd never have the chance to tell you how much I love you, Gin. If you never told me, I'd never experience what love is. I don't regret meeting you. I only regret not being able to help you sooner."

He shook his head, trying to insist on taking the blame for everything, apologizing over and over to me for what happened. In the end, I couldn't argue with him anymore, so I just kissed him. He was taken by surprise for a moment before he kissed back deeply, his arms wrapping around me. I lifted myself up onto his bed and leaned on him, letting him hold me the way I wanted to be held ever since I met him…


	14. Back in Life

**14.****Back in Life (Gin)**

How do you start living normally again after some things you've been through? Isn't it painful to see people being happy around you while all you see are the faces of those you lost or hurt? Or do you focus on what is important in your life and forget everything else, or at least try to? Those were some of the questions that plagued my mind from the moment I woke up and realized what is before me. For a brief moment, when I saw Izuru in the wheelchair, I wished I died. It hurt me so much to see him like this. But then I realized how selfish wish that was. How could I think about that when he was so full of life, moving around as if nothing ever happened? When I saw him preparing the breakfast for the first time, I wanted to rush in and help him, but Urahara stopped me. He said Izuru needs to learn how to do all these things on his own, that it is important to let him so that he wouldn't get depressed from being a nuisance. I wanted to argue with him, but I saw his point.

From the moment I woke up, I was showered with questions. Some, I couldn't answer, some, I made guesses, and some, I excused myself and refused answering. One question in particular was difficult… "Is Aizen really dead?" I was pretty sure I saw him die, but was I THAT sure? I mean, I watched him bleed out and he wasn't breathing when I left his body, but it was Aizen we were talking about and I had no idea if the man had anything hidden up his sleeve. I tried not to think about it. The idea of him being alive somewhere out there was terrifying. But so were the dreams in which I relived every second of what happened the day I was rescued. Every night, I woke up with his voice whispering in my ear the same words over and over. Every night, I woke up shivering and crying. Every night, I woke up wishing I could forget… But there was no waking up from this dream.

Days started to flow by and I started to get better. Urahara suggested I could start training again, but I refused. My zanpakutou was sealed away back in Hueco Mundo and without it, it didn't feel right to pick up another sword. It was plausible enough explanation, right? Truth is, I had another reason. I did try to pick up another sword when nobody was looking, but my hands started shaking badly and I immediately saw Aizen's dying face. I swore to myself that I will never take up a weapon again, unless Izuru is in danger.

Few months after we were reunited, Izuru and I were still in the akward point where we loved each other but were too afraid to do anything about it. After all, we shared one night and few kisses before we were separated again for over a year. Between witnessing his "death", my attempted suicide and all the other things that happened, I didn't know how to approach him. I have never been in a real relationship and as far as I could say, Izuru wasn't either. Besides, we were still living under Urahara's roof and it somehow didn't feel right to even think about taking our pretty platonic relationship to the next level. I had the feeling that Izuru was actually happy for this excuse, because he was too self-aware of his body. He did have some feeling in his legs and all, but he couldn't move from waist down due to the damage to his spine. It was this that made it such a surprise when he came to me one evening…

"Gin…?"

"Hmm? What is it?"

"I would like to ask you something…"

"Yes?"

I looked at him, sitting down to be on the same eye level with him. I could see he was nervous and for the life of me, I couldn't help but feel the same. What if he wanted to "do" something? Every time I tried to imagine being intimate with Izuru, I felt Aizen's touch suddenly. Any such thought was therefore very quickly and effectively extinguished from my mind to the point I stopped thinking about it after a while. I could only imagine what Izuru must have been feeling when he looked at me, knowing what I have been through…

"I would like us to move somewhere else… T-to get o-our own place…"

I snapped out of my thoughts and looked at him sharply. Maybe too sharply, because he winced a little. Was he scared of me? He probably was, now that I think about it. I sighed inwardly and put up a smile for him. It was the kind I showed very scarcely and only to him. The kind that I knew he liked and felt reassured by.

"Really? That's a great idea, Izuru. I… I've been thinking about the very same thing lately."

Um, well, not really, but the thought did cross my mind and when Izuru gave it a voice, I suddenly realized I actually did like the idea.

He looked at me with such grateful and happy eyes that I had problems not to melt. He had that effect on people, he still does. I could read in his expression that he really wanted to believe me. I leaned over and kissed his forehead.

"So… Where would you like to move?"

He smiled and we talked about it for the next few hours. Obviously, he was giving it much more thought than I have, because he had everything practically planned out already.

And so, in few weeks, we found a nice two bedroom house that had wide corridors and was generally well suited for Izuru's wheelchair. With Urahara's help, we moved in and I started working in local factory. It wasn't really what I'd imagine, but the work was simple and let me forget everything for the eight hours I was there. Slowly, life started to get into easy-to-follow lines and we found a simple routine.

Once alone, the awkwardness between us got very obvious at first, but slowly, we both grew much more at ease around each other. We had to rely on each other now and being in our own place, locked behind the walls and doors that separated us from the outer world, we felt secure. For the first time in many years, I felt safe and good. It took some time, of course, but once I grew accustomed to this new "arrangement", I actually looked forward going back home. For the first time since my time at Academy, I had a real home. And Izuru made sure it was a proper home. He turned out to be pretty good cook…

Weeks and months flew by with us barely noticing. Before we knew it, we had "anniversary". Two years since we met on the clearing. Two years since we finally confessed our love for each other. Two years since we… I was acutely aware of this and by the suddenly increased tension in our home, I could tell that Izuru was aware of that too. I decided it was time to put aside everything and try to start anew…

Since I was working on the exact day, I planned the whole thing for the next Friday. I had booked a table at a nice restaurant near our house, then a classical concert in local theatre and then a walk back home. Izuru got hardly ever out beside shopping and walks with me. At first, he was uncomfortable with being pushed around the town with people looking at us. But people got used to seeing us together and eventually, they even greeted us and came to talk to us on occasions.

The evening went smoothly and by the time we got home, the nervousness and tension was gone. Izuru was back to his smiling self and I realized I have never loved him more. And I also realized I wasn't telling him that very often. I knew he loved me and he knew I loved him, but I hardly said those words out loud.

"I love you, Izuru."

He gave me that beautiful smile of his.

"I love you too, Gin."

I knelt before him and kissed him. I wanted to do this for so long but I was still too afraid. Seeing him there suddenly lifted all the doubts and fears and I pulled the small box from my pocket.

"Izuru… Will you please marry me?"

The look on his face was priceless. His eyes registered the simple ring I was holding and tears sprung up to them. He nodded, too overwhelmed to say anything right away. When I put the ring on his finger, he threw arms around my neck and cried on my shoulder. I knew they were tears of happiness and let him, holding him in my arms and crying myself. I couldn't help it, I just had to let the emotions flow. Then I started laughing, the nervousness definitely wearing off and leaving only happiness.

"Yes, I will."

He finally choked out the words, half smiling half crying. Our eye met and I kissed him. I kissed him the way I haven't since the day in the shed, deep and longing kiss that had all my feelings poured in. He understood that silent confession and responded with his own. I didn't hesitate, I knew I didn't have to. I got up and lifted him from the chair, carrying him in my arms to our bedroom. I felt his lips on my neck and jaws and it sent almost electrifying sensations throughout my whole body. I sat him down on the bed and pulled off my shirt, then helped him with his. I saw him naked countless times by now, but this time, I saw him differently. I saw the white skin that was so smooth I was almost afraid to touch him. I saw the muscles that stretched over his frame giving him perfect proportions. I saw his blond hair that shined like gold in the bedroom light. And I saw his eyes, so blue and deep I wanted to drown in them; his lips, slightly swollen from the kissing, deliciously pink and slightly parted now. He was glowing, so beautiful and perfect, blushing under my gaze quickly, though keeping the eye contact unbroken.

I stepped out of my clothes and dimmed the lights, wanting to create even more intimate atmosphere. He smiled at me, following my every move. Now it was my turn to blush as I realized I was quite exposed and quite visibly excited in my lower regions. He chuckled when he saw my blush and reached his hand for me. I took it and followed him into the bed. It didn't take long and we lay intertwined, touching and kissing each other, breathing heavier with every passing minute and every heated kiss.

My hand slowly wondered down between his legs and after quick glance that told me I was on the right way, I slipped my fingers towards his entrance. He moaned softly and nodded at me. I kissed him deeply, pushing one finger in. The feeling made me almost come already and I stopped for a moment, giving us both time to calm a little. Once he was prepared, I helped him into the right position and entered him, my eyes never leaving his. His arms were around my back and I felt his nails digging in a little at the initial pain. I waited till I felt him relax before I started to move.

Our lovemaking didn't last too long. It was our second time like this ever and after such a long time too, so as much as it embarrassed me, I came pretty quickly, falling down in complete ecstasy. Izuru came about second before me and he was now lying under me with closed eyes, panting slightly and sporting absolutely blissed expression.

I kissed his lips lightly and whispered against them.

"I love you, Izuru. So so much."

He opened his eyes a little and whispered back.

"And I love you."

We fell asleep after that and woke up into bright sunny Saturday morning. I was back in life and life couldn't be better…


	15. One Last Thing

**15.****One Last Thing (Izuru)**

"Uwaaaaaaaaa!"

I winced and looked towards the screaming baby that my friend was holding.

"Maybe he's hungry…?"

I suggested, but Yumichika shook his head.

"Nah, he's just being difficult on purpose… Ikkakuuuuuuu!"

The shrill voice of Yumi was even louder than the kid's. Yumi's husband was there in the matter of secods, took the baby without protests and quickly retreated again. I raised my eyebrows at that. I always knew that Yumi was holding Ikkaku by the balls, so to say, but this was quite too much even for him. Yumichika just shrugged at my unvoiced question and returned his attention to the other twin that was watching him calmly. I had the feeling that this baby was very much after Ikkaku whereas the other was after Yumi. I wouldn't dare to say it out loud though. Instead, I waited for my friend to continue.

"I'm pregnant again, he's trying to make it up to me."

I choked a little on my juice and looked at him with surprise.

"R-really?"

"Yeah."

I studied him for a moment. We have been friends for a long time and I knew him well.

"You don't seem all that unhappy…"

He cocked an eyebrow at me and grinned.

"But he doesn't have to know that yet."

He whispered with a wink and I laughed. Yes, that was the Yumi I knew! I congratulated him and we spent the afternoon chatting while Ikkaku and Gin occupied the kids. Watching Gin playing with the twins made me wonder how he'd react if I got pregnant. Truth was I had no idea. And I had no idea whether I even could or what it would mean to have a baby while being crippled like this…

"Izuru…?"

I jerked my head up, realizing Yumi was apparently asking me something.

"S-sorry, what?"

He chuckled and asked again.

"I wanted to know if you're nervous? The wedding is in only a week…"

I nodded. Of course I was nervous. I mean, who isn't nervous before their wedding? Hmmm, come to think of it, Yumi probably wasn't…

"Yes, I am. But Gin's been really helpful and it's going to be just a small event, nothing like YOUR wedding, so it should be fine."

"What was wrong with mine?"

The look he gave me suggested no argument were acceptable, so I quickly folded.

"N-nothing, nothing, of course. It's just that we agreed on smaller ceremony and reception."

He sighed, clearly not understanding why anyone would do such a thing, but he let it go, for now.

The visit from my friends made me think even more about what it would be like to have a family of our own. I used to dream about having my own children, especially when I fell in love with Gin. Strangely enough though, I have never thought about being pregnant. Not until I learned about Yumi's condition. I realized then that I feel jealous of my friend, that I want this as well. I tried to push these thoughts out of my mind as Gin returned in the state he was in. And later, when we finally started living together and Gin did his best to manage work and our house and everything, I started to hope a little that we could be a family, but with the awkwardness between us, I feared we may never be able to live like a normal couple, let alone as a family. And then he proposed and turned my world upside down again. With the wedding closing in on us and Yumi's increasingly often visits with his children, I felt more and more that I am missing something important in my life – one last thing to make my world perfect…

The one week flew by so quickly I had no time to worry about the matter anymore. Suddenly, the wedding day was here and I was sitting beside Gin, holding his hand in front of all the people that helped us and were our friends. We said our "I do" to each other and faced a new chapter in our lives together as a married couple. I felt my cheeks burn up when I realized that and I couldn't suppress the giggles. Gin gave me a curious look at that and I just giggled more. Seriously, I couldn't stop. It was as if all the nervousness of the past weeks suddenly wore off, all the anxiety and worry of the past years wore off; as if this day really did close the bad chapters in our lives and let us open a new book filled with only goodness and happiness.

I felt Gin's thumb on my cheek and looked up. He was smiling at me.

"You look tired, Izuru."

The moment he said that I felt the sudden urge to yawn, but I still shook my head stubbornly. I didn't want to go to bed yet. I wanted to savour this moment longer.

"Come on, don't be a baby."

He chided me and I felt my cheeks burn up again. I was still acting like a schoolgirl when he gave me one of those incredibly charming smiles. How could I ever resist that man?

"Alright."

I let him take me back to our house and he surprised me when he lifted me from the chair and carried me over the threshold and down the hallway to our bedroom. I have seen that in movies, but I never thought Gin would be this kind of a groom. That made me giggle again. He looked at me again and I saw the playful twinkle in his eyes. I was fully awake right then.

Time flew by and before I knew it, Yumi was having his child, adding a girl to his twin boys. After the visit, we went home, both quiet and lost in thoughts. We didn't speak much during the dinner either and when I glanced up at Gin, he seemed distant and closed to everything. It wasn't before we were both after a bath and ready for sleep that he finally met my eyes with obvious hesitation.

"Izuru… I…"

He stopped and looked away for a moment. Then he took a deep breath and started again, his voice still very quiet.

"I saw how you were looking at the baby, Izuru… I noticed that look before too…"

I gulped, not sure what to say. My first instinct was to deny everything, but he was right and we both knew it. If I tried to deny it, it wouldn't make anything better. So, I just nodded and let him continue. Whatever he was about to say, I had the feeling I shouldn't interrupt him.

He was obviously glad I didn't say anything. It still took him long few moments before he continued and it took all my will not to poke his still form to check he's still awake.

"You… You want a baby too… Right?"

"I don't know if it would even be possible…"

I started, for the first time feeling really bitter about my state. I felt his hand on mine and took it. It felt so good and reassuring.

"And if it was possible?"

"Yes."

I didn't even hesitate. The strength with which I said it surprised even me. I couldn't help but ask…

"What about you, Gin?"

He met my eyes again and smiled a little. I knew the answer without him saying it out loud. Yes.

"But I don't if I even could…"

He actually blushed lightly at that.

"Yes. I asked Urahara and he said it should be possible…"

That really surprised me. My stare darkened the blush on his cheeks and he looked away. I chuckled and took his chin, making him look at me again.

"You really did that? You asked?"

He nodded.

"I saw how you were looking at the kids in the neighbourhood. And you always look so happy when Yumichika asks you to babysit."

It was my turn to blush now. I never realized he was watching me so closely. Or was I so obvious? He smiled and stroked my cheek gently.

"Let's visit Urahara together and we can talk about this with him, alright?"

"O-okay. And Gin… Thank you."

That has gotten me a kiss. I couldn't wait to visit Urahara and start working on a family of our own. The one last missing piece was slowly falling into place at last.


	16. Final Words

**16.****Final Words**

A boy, maybe four of five years old, with blond hair and bright grey eyes, was running around with a happy smile, waving at his parents as he climbed onto the slide. Looking at him, the man on the hill saw the strong resemblance to both his parents. Ichimaru Gin's and Kira Izuru's son…

"So you finally showed, huh?"

The voice came from behind him, but he wasn't surprised to hear it. He turned slowly and looked at the man that has spoken, then answered.

"I have been expecting you."

"Have you? Well, I'd hate to disappoint you. Why are you here?"

"I was curious."

"What about?"

The man shrugged. What was he so curious about anyway? The other man raised his eyebrows as watched him, waiting for an answer.

"Does it matter?"

He pondered the question.

"That depends on the answer. Or rather on what you are going to do after you satisfy that curiosity of yours. You've always been a curious one, haven't you?"

His dislike for the man was very apparent and he couldn't blame him for it. Not really anyway. He was what the other one made him to be. As he did with so many others…

The man's eyes wondered back to the couple on the playground, the child running around happily. He watched them in silence again, thinking about the life they led now. The man let him, waiting patiently for him to turn back to him.

With a sigh, the man finally turned back and faced him once more.

"What do you want, Urahara?"

The man just smiled and pointed at him. For a moment, he was actually surprised, and then Urahara spoke.

"I want you to go back to whatever hole you crawled out from. Do that and I won't tell anybody you've been here or anywhere for that matter."

"And if I refuse?"

"Then you die. For real this time."

The man couldn't help the smirk as he looked at him.

"You'll kill me, right? Hm, I suppose you would figure out how by now."

"Get out of here, Aizen, get as far away as you can and never come anywhere near them again, understand?"

The one called Aizen looked at him with uninterested expression.

"Make me."

Urahara took few deep breaths before addressing him again.

"Leave, Sousuke, please."

It wasn't the "please" that struck Aizen as much as the tone of his voice. It reminded him of the past, before he became captain, before he became a monster, before he turned his back on Soul Society. Before he betrayed Sousuke, letting him take the blame for a crime he did not commit, that he himself did…

"Kisuke…"

"Leave."

Aizen looked once more at Gin and Izuru.

"Are they happy?"

Kisuke followed his gaze and nodded.

"Yes. Izuru still can't walk, he never will, but their son is healthy and happy child. And there is another on the way now."

Aizen looked more closely at Izuru and noticed the bump under the blanket that he missed before.

"I see. Good."

He really meant it. It surprised even him. He looked at Sousuke, his eyes sad all of a sudden.

"I am sorry."

"You should be. You made them suffer quite a lot."

"Yes. But that is not what I meant…"

Sousuke raised his eyebrows at him again, trying to read his face.

"So what did you mean?"

Aizen held his gaze.

"You know perfectly well, Kisuke. I am sorry for what I did to you."

"You stupid bastard."

Aizen looked up with eyes wide and met with Kisuke's. There was no anger in them. No malice. He shrugged.

"You were always a jerk, Kisuke."

"Likewise."

They laughed and after so many years, the laughing felt good.

"I'll leave. Tousen would strangle me if he knew I was here after all the trouble he went through to get me out of Hueco Mundo alive."

"I guessed that much."

"What happened there anyway?"

"You really wanna know?"

He asked but knew the answer already. He looked at the sky, thinking about the events that took place after they entered Hueco Mundo before he started speaking.. There were many that died that day, though he told him how Gin made them leave those that didn't oppose them. At that, Aizen was surprised. He didn't expect something like that.

"In the end, we worked together with Starrk and together we closed the world. They keep living there and we have a way of communication. Everything seems to be alright there. Starrk rules now with Szayel by his side."

Kisuke grinned at Sousuke's puzzlement.

"I guess you haven't noticed, huh?"

"I did suspect as much, but never asked."

He thought about it for a while, then smiled.

"Well, that's good for them. Tell me, what of… What of my father?"

The words got almost stuck in his throat.

"He's out there somewhere. Why, wanna send him a postcard?"

"Jerk."

Kisuke just laughed and shook his head.

"Go, Sousuke, leave. If they saw you, it could wreck their lives apart again."

"I know. Thank you."

Urahara just nodded, then looked after him as he turned and started to walk away. He watched him turn behind the corner.

"What're you doing?"

Kisuke whirled around with a shocked gasp, his hand automatically balled into a fist, making contact with Ichigo's jaw in a blink of an eye.

"Ow! What was that for?!"

Kisuke stared at him, sprawled on the ground.

"When did you came?"

"Just now, I saw you standing here all alone, looking into the distance. What were you doing? Looking for lost youth, were you?"

His voice was mocking and insolent as ever. Kisuke sighed and took his hand, helping him up. Ichigo pushed off the ground a little too much and stumbled right into Kisuke's arms. He caught him easily as if knowing he'd do that.

"Every single time…"

Kisuke chuckled and kissed Ichigo's lips.

"Well, you know me."

Ichigo returned the kiss and stayed quietly in his arms for a while, then looked up at him.

"Izuru and Gin invited us over for a dinner tonight."

"Double date, huh?"

Kisuke made a face but nodded.

"Fine."

They walked down the hill to the playground together. Izuru welcomed them with a happy smile, though Gin's eyes were fixed on Kisuke, saying it all. He knew.

"You let him go…"

Gin found Uraha after the dinner alone. His tone wasn't accusing him, merely commenting.

"Yes. I did."

"Why?"

"Because you would do the same. Wouldn't you?"

Gin shrugged and nodded.

"Don't ever tell a living soul, Kisuke. That man is dead. And if he surfaces again, I…"

"He won't."

Kisuke assured him, then looked at him more closely.

"Are you alright, Gin?"

"As alright as I can be."

He took a deep breath and smiled.

"Really, I am fine. I thought seeing him one more time would make me feel … I don't know. But it didn't. I don't even hate him anymore. I feel nothing. I just don't want him anywhere near my family."

Kisuke nodded.

"I know. Come, let's have some ice cream."

He grinned and walked out of the room, assuming seat beside Ichigo that was stuffing himself with a large bowl of ice cream.

…

Three thousand miles away, a man watched the ocean as the waves crashed against the cliffs.

"You are back…"

The man turned and faced the other calmly. His eyes were white behind sun glasses.

"I promised I would, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did."

"Did you see them?"

"You don't miss anything, do you Kaname?"

Tousen smiled a little in answer. Aizen joined him and looked over the ocean, keeping quiet.

"Will you leave again?"

The question didn't surprise Sousuke. He expected it in fact and he knew what he'll answer this time.

"No. There is nothing more for me to see. That life is over."

THE END

* * *

Hello everybody. Thank you ever so much for sticking with me through all this time and through all the chapters. Thank you for your reviews and words of encouragement – it's what kept me going for 3 years that it took me to finish this story. I would like to especially thank my friend, Lenka, who was especially encouraging and kept nagging me to finish the damn story. Lenka, thank you. I apologize for all the typos, some mild inconsistencies and mistakes that I have made and I am sure there are quite few.

If you wish to read my other stories, I'll be more than pleased. Also, if there are any one-shots or short stories based on characters from this story, please do contact me, I'll see what I can do. :-)


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